• Upset! Clinton and McCain receive shocking come from behind victories, and professional douchebag Mitt Romney gets one more chance: MICHIGAN (where they just loooooove Mormons).

• Attack! In a super duper secret maneuver, US forces launched a major offensive against Iraqi insurgents yesterday… and most of them still got away.

• Look Out! Crazy driver Lindsay Lohan gets sued by a woman claiming that Lohan traumatized her. (Yeah… along with every other guy she’s slept with.)

• Chop! An Idaho man saws off his own hand and microwaves it, after he sees the “mark of the beast” on it. Hey dummy! You cut off the wrong hand! (I’m just kidding… let’s see if he cuts off the other one!)

• Nuts! Actor/rapper Will Smith is apparently now actively searching for recruits for the Church of Scientology. Sorry, everybody… but if he uses “BOOM! SHAKE THE ROOM!” in his recruitment? I AM SO THERE.