Failed presidential hopeful John Kerry has endorsed Barack Obama INSTEAD of his former running mate John Edwards. Oooooooh! Mr. Kerry, remember one thing: You can’t unhurt a feeling.

US forces launch a massive airstrike—one of the biggest since the war’s inception—south of Baghdad. This follows on the heels of Tuesday’s super secret push against the insurgents. Sounds like someone’s panicking!

The New York Times creams all over Portland again… this time about our bike boxes! (Can someone pass a tissue, please? Thanks.)

Britney Spears and her paparazzo lover have escaped to Mexico! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Go on, take the money and run!

Another reason to love television variety show legend and creator of Jeopardy MERV GRIFFIN? Best tombstone ever.