As you undoubtedly know, VALENTINE’S DAY is right around the corner, and if you don’t want to get your ass kicked, you better submit your free Mercury Valentine STAT! We’ll print the first thousand we receive in the Feb 14 edition of the paper (and there are only like 30 slots left)! EEEP! (Though we will print all we can possibly fit. Plus we promise to print every valentine online!) Anyway, to guarantee your valentine in the paper GO HERE QUICK, and think up some kind of romantic bullshit like…

OH SHMOOPY-WOOPY: Me wuv ooh so much-ins! You make me want to snuggle-wuggle-juggle-cuddle with ooh all night-um long-ums. Smoochy! Woochy! Cootchie! Huggies! Wuggies! Shmuggies! Wuv always, John Wayne Gacy

Something like that. So hurry!