Live from the Rose Garden as the Portland Trail Blazers take on the Chicago Bulls. It’s Slow WiFi Night at the Garden (worst promotion since erotic Darius Miles bobblehead night), so my live blogging skills might be limited to furious text messaging (WTF! BROY SLM DNK YO!), or my preferred method, fax blogging.

Pre-Game:
Lots of news around these parts. First off, Martell Webster has been given the boot from the starting lineup. Seeking more ball movement, Jarrett Jack has been inserted to the starting lineup. Well, he sure had some fine ball movement on Monday night when he single-handily blew the game by coughing up the ball in overtime. This move also might be to showcase Jack, who is on the trade block. Channing Frye is also on the trading block, despite his cool new blog.

Meanwhile, the Bulls are a mess. Luol Deng, Ben Gordon, and Kirk Hinrich are Chicago's best three players, and all three will not be playing tonight due to injury. Well, Deng and Gordon are hurt, Hinrich is backstage at a Bright Eyes concert with his new job as Conor Oberst's body-double.

The Blazers should win this game. With ease. But after the soul-crushing loss of Monday night, who knows how this young team will recover.

Scratch that, despite being in a Seattle hospital (injured ribs) earlier today, Hinrich is going to play. Okay, I have to come clean. That Bright Eyes thing was really a fabrication. I am the Stephen Glass of NBA live blogging.

First Quarter:
7:57 - Wait, Hinrich is NOT starting, so yeah, whatever. Who cares? Especially when Joel Pryzbilla and Ben Wallace just had some words at midcourt. Wallace almost dropped the gloves cornrows and threw down. 9-9 tie.

5:59 - The Bulls, as banged-up as they are, are playing scrappy and hanging in there. You can credit Joe Smith, a name suitable for anonymously checking into a hotel, who loves playing the Blazers (he had 31 the last time these teams met). 15-13 Portland.

3:13 - Not to be that guy or anything, but there have been some horrible calls tonight. Pryzbilla was steamrolled by Wallace. Foul on Pryzbilla. Frye was in the vicinity of Joe Smith when he took a jumper. Foul of Frye. While sitting on the bench, Raef LaFrentz looked funny at Thabo Sefolosha. Foul on LaFrentz. I expect some choice makeup calls coming sometime soon. 21-19 Blazers.

0:17 - Despite the bad calls, and the hypnotic hair of Joakim Noah, the Blazers have gained some momentum here in the first quarter. 27-21 Blazers.

Second Quarter:
9:32 - Sergio Rodridguez deserves an Oscar for his dramatic flop, and momentum roll, that resulted in a Chicago offensive foul. Well done, young sir. Meanwhile, in the mad scramble for the ball, Andres Nocioni booted Martell Webster in the face. Kicked in the face? Right before yearbook picture day in the quad? What a nightmare! 35-26 Blazers.

6:01 - If kicking Webster in the face was not enough, Nocioni karate chops a driving Roy. Next up, he'll be earning his purple belt by breaking a wooden board at the dojo. Oh, and he got a technical foul for his Chuck Norris move. Serves ya right, jerk. 41-31 Portland.

4:30 - Where the fuck did Aldridge hide that trampoline he just used to make a HUGE put-back slam dunk. Wow. Someone just added a new clip to his highlight reel. 43-34 Blazers.

2:05 - Jarrett Jack seems to have recovered from Monday's choktoberfest, as he just had consecutive layups and the Blazers offense is looking pretty sharp right now. 47-38 PDX.

Third Quarter:
10:06 - Airball from Brandon Roy. Christ, when will that plague of a player stop shooting? Oh, by the way, he's 7 of 9 shooting with a game leading 16 points. 53-49 PDX.

6:36 - Make that 9 for 12 for B.Roy. Tonight looks like a nice night to get 30. Or maybe 35. Hell, 40 is nice. 62-53 Blzr.

2:22 - Joe Smith gets a 'lil grabby grabby and tugs Aldridge to the ground. That ain't right. Roy gets revenge by hitting a bank shot while falling to the floor. Then Webster follows on the next play with a fierce tomahawk dunk. Boom! 70-62 PDX.

0:00 - A little too close for comfort, but the Blazers have been nursing this lead all game long. A dozen minutes to go. 73-65 Blzrs.

Fourth Quarter:
8:39 - Fancy stutter-step from Mr. Fourth Quarter, Travis Outlaw, and the Blazers bring it to a double digit lead. 81-71 PDX.

5:29 - The lead is down to 5 points. No need to panic, right? RIght? RIGHT? RIGHT???? 83-78 Portland.

4:24 - The unstoppable force that is Thabo Sefolosha has a career high 20 points. What the hell is happening here? 87-84 Blazers.

2:26 - Points! Outlaw gets 2 for a pretty jumper. Steve Blake gets a pair for his slicing layup. The Blazers have 91. Chicago has 86.

1:39 - Outlaw gets bailed out with a lucky foul. He's on the line with a chance to pad their tiny lead. Hits the first. Hits number two. 93-88 PDX.

1:02 - Roy shoots. Roy misses. Crap. Chicago has the ball and a chance to tie. This was never supposed to happen. 93-90 Portland.

0:51 - Nocioni passes a wide open three and instead turns the ball over. Lucky break for the hometeam. Still 93-90 Portland, and it's Blazers ball with a chance to to ice the game.

0:26 - Somehow, Jarrett Jack weaseled his way through a wall of defenders and dished to an open Outlaw, who bounced in a shot as the shot clock expired. Way to play up the drama. 95-90 Portland.

0:21 - It took all of five seconds for the Bulls to quickly add another bucket. They are like a horror movie villain that won't fucking die!!!! 95-92 Portland. Time to get fouled and hit those free throws.

0:07 - Jarrett Jack insists on choking late in games. He only hits one free throw, and the Bulls rally back for another basket. 96-94 Portland. More free throws most likely coming...

0:06 - Jack hits the first. Hits the second!! Yay, no more goat for him. Here comes a win... 98-94 PDX.

0:01 - A little drama here. First off, Nocioni somehow hits an amazing three-pointer. Then with less than a second, Roy is fouled on the inbound pass, one that he never really caught. It wasn't enough time for the Bulls to score, but still a slight break for the home team. 98-97 Blzrs.

0:00 - Roy hits them both, and the Blazers win! A little too close for comfort, but we'll take it. 100-97 Blazers. Sorry for the lack of "the funny," but this weak WiFi was slowing my roll.