Live from the Rose Garden as the Portland Trail Blazers take on the New York Knickerbockers Basketball Squadron.

The current Knicks roster is known for being quite possibly the most underachieving team in basketball history, with selfish play on the court and sexy sexiest activities off the court. But do you know what New York has that Portland does not? No, it’s not a coach who talks about “bitches,” it’s the tubby ball of fun that is Zach Randolph. Tonight marks the return of Z-Bo, the first time he’ll be back in Portland since the draft day trade that sent the former Blazers’ leading scorer to New York, in exchange for some fresh towels, that rare Billy Ripken baseball card, and a new basketball pump.

Pre-Game
I love watching the Knicks... lose. They are like the Yankees of basketball—the Evil Empire major market team with a roster full of over-paid players—except that they always lose. Their coach, he was the one giving the "bitch" lecture, is the captain of this sinking ship, and they are a franchise that won't be getting any better anytime soon. It's great.

Meanwhile, Portland is home to an all-star, their first since Dr. James Naismith put a ball of rubber through a peach basket. Brandon Roy was announced as an all-star reserve yesterday, which means he's going to New Orleans later this month. I'm assuming the game is not being played in a FEMA trailer, but I can't confirm that as of right now.

In the pre-game shoot-around, the Blazers were giddy to reunite with Zach and get a few hugs in. Hugging Zach Randolph? I image it's like hugging this.

First Quarter:
11:17 - Zach shoots, he scores! He's going to earn that trip to the champagne room at Dolphin II. 2-2 tie.

7;43 - There is a lot of scoring going on tonight and the guest of honor, Randolph, has been a part of it all. Too bad for him, he's been on the wrong end of the baskets. LaMarcus Aldridge has 8 points, all of which have come while being guarded by Randolph. 12-4 Blazers. Also, the team just had a moving little tribute to Aldridge and Roy, their two all-star representatives. The crowd is giving them a standing ovation, despite Smashmouth's "All-Star" being the unfortunate musical choice on the PA.

4:45 - The shot clock broke. I assume Renaldo Balkman's hairdryer blew a circuit somewhere, so now the PA announcer has to countdown the seconds during the game. It's kind of cute, like when you are doing the 3...2...1 countdown while shooting hoops in the driveway as a kid. 14-11 PDX.

2:45 - Zach for three! Revenge is sweet for the doughboy. 19-18 Blazers.

0:01 - Tiny Nate Robinson hits a jumper at the buzzer, and the Knicks—THE KNICKS!—have the lead after one quarter. That ain't right. 28-24 NYC.

Second Quarter:
9:40 - Zach is loving this. To a chorus of boos, every time he goes near the ball, Zach has been shooting lights out. 13 points so far for Z-Bo, meanwhile Portland is still in the same haze they were in the other night versus Cleveland. It's okay, LeBron is gone now. He can't hurt you any more. 32-24 Knickers.

8:00 - Four minutes into the quarter and the Blazers have yet to score ANY points. At all. If Blaze came out here to do a trampoline dunk, he'd miss. 32-24 Manhattan.

6:32 - Still no points. PANIC!!!! 36-24 Bad guys.

5:00 - In a nationally televised game, it's a little embarrassing when our shot clocks keep breaking. Evidentially the hamster in the wheel that provides the power for this shoddy small market operation has given up. Another timeout while everyone looks around confused. 38-31 NY.

1:52 - Things just got good. Roy got pummeled (no foul!), David Lee of the Knicks had a reversal one-handed dunk (no way!) and Roy recovered with a three from the corner. The Blazers have gained back a little momentum. 44-38 Knixxx.

0:20 - Losing to the Knicks is embarrassing. It's like dropping a game to the Washington Generals. This sucks. 49-38 New York.

Halftime:
Time for a frosty Orange Drink™ in the media room while I look at the game stats: Out-rebounded 26-17! No steals!! 41% shooting!!! I just spit my frosty Orange Drink™ all over my keyboard in disgust.

Third Quarter:
12:00 - Hey, free Chalupa coupons are a mere 62 points away!

9:55 - Portland has New York right where they want them: 15 points ahead. 55-40 NYPD 9/11 Never Forget.

7:37 - And just when I diss the Blazers, and make a 9/11 joke, they coming roaring back. Blake with a long three, and it's 57-49 Stevie Knicks.

5:41 - Martell Webster with a mighty three-pointer and it's down to a 5 point lead. Make that a 2 point lead, Roy just hit one from downtown. Wow. 61-59 Nikki Stixx Knicks.

4:24 - New York, you might want to guard the All-Star. Brandon Roy with a coast-to-coast steal and dunk. This is a 19-4 Portland run. 61-61 tie.

2:11 - Greg Oden's dog is named Charles Barkley McLovin'. I AM NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP! 65-61 Knickeroos.

0:28 - Zach shoots an airball shot pass, and New York gets another easy bucket. 69-63 sKnickerDoodles.

Fourth Quarter:
12:00 - I am a professional, but if Portland loses this game, I will throw myself in front of Darius Miles' car.

9:36 - Remember when James Jones hit every three-pointer he took? Yeah, me too, those were the days. James, and the rest of the Blazers, are ice cold from long range. There have been 5 misses this quarter alone from beyond the arc. Unless you want my mangled corpse in the sparkling grill of Miles' whip, there better be a comeback. 71-63 Nueva York.

5:53 - Malik Rose (yes, he's still alive... I think) just flagrantly fouled a breaking away Jarrett Jack, but he got off the hook. The good news for him: It was a foul, but not a flagrant. The bad news: He's still Malik Rose. 75-70 Big Apple.

3:07 - Nothing gained, still a five point lead for New York, and time is running out. I have a feeling I'll be drinking this game off somewhere. 79-74 If You Can Make It Here, You Can Make It Anywhere.

1:44 - Chipped a whopping one point from the lead, but they need points, and fast. 81-77 NY.

0:50 - Zach for three... oh hell no! It's a two point lead, less than a minute left, and Portland has the ball. Are the Blazers going to pull it off? Or are they just fucking with our devoted hearts? Sometimes being a fan is hard work. 81-79 Knicks.

0:34 - Brandon Roy had a gorgeous look at the basket, but his 8-footer rimmed out, and now the Red & Black need to hold the Knicks' offense. Also, that last sentence marks the first time the words "rimmed out" have been used in this paper without appearing in a Savage Love column.

0:17 - Jamal Crawford misses, and the Blazers have the ball, the clock, and a chance to win, tie, or shame the franchise and lose this game.

0:05 - TRAVIS OUTLAW YOU MADE A SHOT AND I AM FORCED TO TYPE IN ALL CAPS. AAAAAAHHH. 81-81 tie. Now the Blazers need a stop on defense.

0:00 - Friends, we are going to the 5th Quarter, Overtime!

Overtime
5:00 - Not to pop my blogger jersey (for real, I wear one), but the Blazers are undefeated in overtime games that I blog. Is there a less impressive stat than that one?

3:17 - Brandon Roy goes all Juggernaut and bowls his way in for a layup. 83-83.

2:08 - TRAVIS OUTLAW YOU DID IT AGAIN, YOU MADE MY ALL CAP BUTTON GET STUCK AFTER WATCHING YOU THROW DOWN THAT RIDICULOUS DUNK. Oh, there it goes, fixed it. 86-85 Blazers (their first lead in a long time)

0:59 - Travis Outlaw, this time in proper case, just pulled down a rare offensive board, and the Blazers have a chance to add to their measly one point advantage. 86-85 Portland.

0:46 - Jarret Jack, who usually spends all game padding his turnover stats, just sliced the lane and hit a clutch layup. Hot damn. 88-85 PDX.

0:38 - Nate Robinson, who lives in a tree with the other Keebler Elves, just hits a runner, and it's a slim one point lead. 88-87 Blzrs.

0:13 - Roy miss. Roy rebound. Roy score. Then Roy foul. 90-87 Blazers with tiny tiny tiny Nate Robinson on the line. First shot: He misses! Second shot: He hits it. 90-88 with the Knicks about the start foulin'.

0:11 - Jarrett Jack on the line to put this damn game away. Hits them both. 92-88 PDX. They win this game, I am drinking to celebrate.

0:05 - Brandon Roy just completely a triple-double (his first in his career), a nice little feather in the All-Star cap. 94-88 and THE BLAZERS HAVE JUST WON. Not the prettiest of games (they almost lost—to New York!—but a win is all that counts.