Live from the Rose Garden as the Portland Trail Blazers take on division rivals, the Denver Nuggets. The bad news for the Blazers is that this guy is back for Denver. The good news is that, thanks to a gypsy curse, his soul is trapped inside the bobblehead for all of eternity, Denver is 8-13 on the road, and their shot-blocking machine, Marcus Camby, is questionable for tonight’s game with a knee contusion. Ouch.

Pre-Game
If Camby is indeed on the pine, that is a huge break for a Blazers lineup that is without a dominate rebounder. The Blazers have won two straight against Denver and a win tonight locks up the season series for the home team.

Meanwhile, for the teal team, Denver has been blessed by the recent star play of Linus Kleiza, who, much like the Peanuts character of the same name, has a HUGE head. Dude's neck is killing him.

Oh, it's Linas, with an "a"? Listen, there are only so many jabs you can make about the swollen dome of basketball players from Kaunas, Russia. There just isn't a lot of material there. I am sticking with my original joke.

First Quarter:
12:00 - Denver's uniforms are so goddamn teal. It's horrible. Check out their old jerseys and tell me they are not infinitely better than the fruity teal the team currently rocks.

10:02 - Roy with a sweet dish to Joel Przybilla who pauses, looks around, checks his e-harmony page, then misses the dunk. He's a graceful fellow. 0-0!

7:53 - Portland: 8 shots. 0 baskets. Nice start! 4-0 Denver.

6:10 - Portland is shooting 0%!!! Roy has a couple free-throws, but it's halfway through the quarter and the Blazers have yet to make a goddamn shot. This is ridiculous. 8-2 Nuggets.

5:07 - Oh, since it's been nothing but a nonstop parade of bad news so far, James Jones will be out with a knee injury until after the all-star break. Hey, the hits keep coming. And, no, the Blazers still have yet to make a shot. 12-4 Nuggets.

3:42 - Channing Frye has 6 of the Blazers 10 points, including not one, but two, baskets. At this rate, when they score 100, he'll have 60. That's going to happen. Math don't lie. 16-10 Denver.

0:56 - The first Blazer not named Channing Frye scores. Congrats Travis Outlaw, you have two points! 20-14 Nuggettes.

Second Quarter:
12:00 - Considering that Portland is shooting 20% (4 of 20) against a playoff team like Denver, and are only down 6 points, is very impressive. Maybe not impressive, but lucky. Like, buy some damn PowerBall tickets, lucky.

10:38 - Pryzbilla just clobbered Allen Iverson. I think he knocked a few tattoos off Iverson's neck. 25-17 Denver.

8:56 - It was sort of cute when the Blazers couldn't make a basket, yet were still in the game. But now things are teetering on a blowout. If Portland doesn't start scoring soon, I'm so out of here. Deal or No Deal is on. 31-17 Denver.

6:48 - A blowout. A fight. A new tattoo for J.R. Smith. One of these things will happen tonight. Hell, maybe all three. It's not looking pretty. 38-22 Nuggets.

5:26 - While a feisty Jarrett Jack has been keeping the team in the game, there is one stat that shows how bad things are for the Blazers: Not one starter has scored a basket. That is zero made shots for Roy, Aldridge, Pryzbilla, Blake and Webster. Yikes. And yet, it's only 38-27 Denver.

3:36 - Roy is feeling it. Two straight amazing baskets, a clutch steal, and an assist to Steve Blake for a three-pointer. It was quite here for a longtime, but, as always, a few Brandon Roy heroic plays have changed the entire dynamic in the arena. 40-36 Denver.

2:16 - Travis Outlaw dunk. Highlight Reel. Two great things that go together. 45-40 Rocky Mountains.

0:05 - All things considered, this should be a blowout. Instead, it's a surprisingly close game. Huh, who knew? 50-44 Denver

Third Quarter:
11:32 - Good news: Steve Blake for three! Gooder news: Allen Iverson hurts his hand and is in pain. Hate to see a guy suffer, but... never mind, I'm not going to finish that thought. Goodest news: Outlaw just hit a three and we are tied. Goodtactular news: Webster nails a three. That is three threes. 53-50, Blazers are winning, while my grammar, as always, is losing.

8:58 - Webster, another damn three-pointer! 14-2 Blazers run. 58-52 home team.

6:21 - Allen Iverson, future Hall of Fame player, on a clear breakaway with Roy in front of him, and with a carefree ease, Roy strips the ball from him. That was gorgeous. 62-60 Portland. Suddenly, this is one hell of a game.

3:41 - After the two worst quarters of the season, it's like all of a sudden a playoff game has broken out. Carmelo Anthony is jawing at Pryzbilla and Webster, Blake keeps hitting clutch threes, and the entire game has gotten fiercely competitive. And to think, I almost left for Must See TV. 69-64 Blazers.

0:01 - Iverson steals a (bad) full-court pass and hits a running (long) three-pointer at the buzzer to tie this (thrilling) game. (God) damn. 78-78.

Fourth Quarter:
12:00 - The Blazers had 14 points at the end of the first quarter. They have 78 at the end of the third. That is just stunning. These next dozen minutes are going to be pretty damn ridiculous.

9:30 - Lookout, here comes Denver. Iverson guns a full court pass to the easy target of Kleiza's head, and the result is an easy dunk and a Blazers timeout. 87-81 Nugg Life.

7:37 - Oh shit! Jarrett Jack with a pretty move under the basket, and the Blazers have tied it back up.

6:25 - After an absolutely wild series under the basket where Carmello Anthony misses 4 shots in a row, only to have a falling Iverson get the rebound and shoot it before hitting the ground, Jack aggressively makes a clutch drive and basket while getting fouled. This is like a playoff game. FUCK IT. I AM WRITING IN ALL CAPS FROM HERE ON OUT. CORRECTION, MAKE THAT ALL CAPS BOLD! 89-89 tie!!

5:41 - Oh Carmelo, you can't hide from the truth. You got a technical foul. For shame. 93-89 Portland.

3:16 - Denver keeps pushing back, while two Blazers are flirting with triple-doubles. Roy has 20 points, 7 boards and 8 assists. And on a career night, Jack has 17 points, 8 rebounds and 8 assists. Damn. 95-93 Portland.

2:09 - B.Roy. Boom! 97-95 PDX.

1:39 - B.Roy on the line after a hard foul. You could hear the "THUD" from here. Hits them both. 99-95 Portland.

0:58 - Outlaw bowls over Eduardo Najera on a loose ball and gets called for the offensive foul. Wow. 99-97 Portland, but Denver has the ball and a chance to tie, or worse. Win or lose, this is easily one of the best games of the year.

0:39 - Iverson for three. Ouch. And that, folks, is why he has his own fathead.
100-99 Denver.

0:06 - Outlaw is fouled while shooting, except the ref's whistle was clearly malfunctioning. Yeah, that was it. But 'Melo misses the jumper and now the Blazers have the ball, six seconds, and a chance to win this fucking game. 100-99 Denver.

0:02 - Outlaw shoots, misses, but was FOULED! Two shots coming up. He MISSES! One more to tie. He needs this. Oh god.... HE MAKES IT! 100-100 tie, Denver has the ball and 2.9 seconds to win the game. If not, overtime.

0:01 - Iverson pushes off, has an open three, and... CLANK! That means, for the second game in a row, we are going to overtime. 100-100, all tied up.

Overtime:
3:51 - Denver draws first blood, or perhaps, first teal. 101-100 Nuggetz.

3:36 - Webster fouled while shooting a three, that means a trio of free-throws. One: Missed. Two: Missed. Three: Hit. Ugh. 101 tie.

1:56 - Oh, my ticker! My heart can't take this. fblerjbknasfnbvasfffauyty8834nb.
Oh, sorry. I just passed out onto my keyboard, but thankfully I was revived by Blaze and his wacky t-shirt firing defibrillator. 103-103 tie, in this thrilling, heart-attack inducing overtime.

0:15 - Jarrett Jack, you are having a lovely game, but sir, you just shat the bed. Jack had a breakaway, one-on-one against Iverson, but instead of driving for the bucket (or foul), or just holding the damn ball for the LAST DAMN SHOT OF THE GAME, he booted it. Denver ball. 15 seconds. And a perfectly good chance to end this game. 103-103.

0:01 - Iverson hits a jumper. Portland has .09 seconds to make a miracle happen, or else tonight might be remembered as the night Jarrett Jack fucked up a perfectly good win. 105-103 Nuggets.

0:00 - Roy misses. Ow. After all that. After a 14 point start. A thrilling comeback. A fantastic fourth quarter. A gritty overtime. Jarrett Jack blows it. Tough loss, Portland.