Blogtown, PDX

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

News Emergency Starbucks Closures

Posted by Ned Lannamann on Tue, Feb 26 at 11:56 AM

starbucks.htm ALERT! In an unprecedented nationwide emergency re-training procedure, all Starbucks stores in the U.S. will close today at 5:30 pm. In what the coffee behemoth is calling a “historic in-store education and training event,” they’ll be training all employees to “perfect the art of espresso.” DO NOT PANIC. This is for our own good. No longer shall we be subject to sub-par foam or haphazardly crumbly coffee cake. The Starbucks stores will re-open tonight at 9 pm, and the company has thoughtfully provided a survivor’s manual entitled “12,600 Seconds in Time – 5 GREAT THINGS TO DO IN JUST 3 ½ HOURS,” which you can read after the jump. Or, you can read the full press release from Starbucks (complete with “STARBUCKS FUN FACTS”) right here.

In entirely unrelated news, Dunkin’ Donuts is giving away free lattes today from 5:30 pm to 9:00 pm. Too bad there aren’t any in Portland.

“12,600 Seconds in Time” – 5 GREAT THINGS TO DO IN JUST 3 ½ HOURS
1. Thinking of a change in hair color? A full color with highlights takes just about 3 hours.
2. Watch almost all of the nominated short films.
3. When was the last time you made a home cooked meal? You can roast an 8lb -12lb turkey in 3 ½ hours.
4. What better time to organize those closets, it’s a jump start on spring cleaning.
5. After patiently waiting 12,601 seconds, head to Starbucks to get that espresso!

I personally recommend #3. Roast that turkey!

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Comments

When I show up at 9 I hope they wipe that stupid smile they always have on their pimply faces.

Posted by indy | February 26, 2008 11:58 AM

No worries, indy, I'm sure the sight of you coming in the door will accomplish that quite quickly.

Posted by Satchel | February 26, 2008 12:00 PM

Love the flattering picture. Is that your mother or your wet dream?

Posted by BS | February 26, 2008 12:34 PM

Dunkin’ Donuts is giving away free lattes today from 5:30 pm to 9:00 pm. Too bad there aren’t any in Portland.

There is one in Salem though. Corner Commercial St and Rural Ave SE. Has been for over thirty years. Yeah, I know it may seem strange but as anyone from Salem will tell you, that town is embedded in amber. The population goes up, some new streets are laid and buildings go up (but nothing taller than 11 stories), but nothing else ever changes.

On another note, why is it that anyone needs advice on how to spend the three-whatever hours Starbucks will be closed - including advice on what local coffee places are near? I can hack it without Starbucks for three hours, and I drink at least a gallon of coffee a day.

Just askin' here.

It seems to me that if anyone really needs advice on alternative coffee sources while The Great Starbucks Closure of 2008 is in full effect, that just might be God's way of telling you you're drinking too damn much Starbucks.

Posted by Samuel John Klein | February 26, 2008 1:29 PM

There are going to be a lot of confused/pissed-off bleach-blonds driving their SUVs around today. I mean what will they do with the hand not holding the cell-phone?

Posted by threebs | February 26, 2008 1:53 PM

Forget the foam, how about changing the worldwide standardization of their roasting from "burned" to "not burned"?

Posted by b!X | February 26, 2008 3:40 PM

I love me some Starbucks. It's much better than that locally roasted shit.

Posted by Matt Davis | February 26, 2008 7:20 PM

Try the coffee instead then.

Posted by Jon | February 27, 2008 2:43 PM

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