• The medical examiner has officially proclaimed Heath Ledger’s death an accident, saying he died of “acute intoxication” and “abuse of prescription medications.” Is it just me, or does that NOT sound like an accident?

• Barack Obama claimed victory in the late hours of Super Tuesday, beating Hillary Clinton by 13 delegates. In related news, that and $1.75 will get him a ride on the bus.

• McCain walks away with Super Tuesday, but it’s really Mike Huckabee who has risen from the dead. (Oooooh. Just like his friend Jesus. Ooooooh.)

• Speaking of Jesus, in Grand Rapids Michigan, a statue of Christ was kidnapped from a woman’s yard. What do the kidnappers want in return? “CLEAN UP THE WEINER POOPIE!” (The hilarious news report follows.)