HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY, EVERYONE! (I wuv ooh.)

The U.S. claims to have intelligence that proves Iran is trying to develop a nuclear bomb. Says Bush, “Let’s see if I can squeeze out just one more war before I leave.”

The Pentagon is planning on SHOOTING DOWN a broken spy satellite! Yippee-ki-yi-yay, motherfreakers! Yeeeeee-HAW!! (Who’s bringing the beer?)

Whites, women and older working class Americans are finally coming around to the realization that Hillary’s really not all that awesome.

A gay teen shot in the head earlier this week by a homophobic classmate has been officially declared brain dead. UGH!

Star magazine is claiming that Britney Spears and douchebaggy BF Adnan Ghalib were secretly married in Mexico. OH, “LOVE!” I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!