In a battle that easily eclipsed the drama of the petty “Obama vs. Hillary” squabble, the Mercury Valentine Cookie Poll has finally come to an end—and what an exciting matchup it was! As you clearly remember from yesterday, the Mercury staff was charged with decorating the best valentine cookie. The top five were then selected and presented to the public for a vote to decide who was the best cookie decorator. (Click here to see the finalists’ cookies!)

As in all elections, alliances were formed, dirty tricks were dealt, and tears were shed. Early in the afternoon, the polls indicated an early lead for Alison Hallet’s “My Cat (or why Alison remains single)” and Wm. Steven Humphrey’s “I Like Three-Somes.” However, at around 5 pm, the pug contingent showed up at the polls, heavily supporting Monet Molina’s “Pug Love” cookie. Fringe voters weren’t enough to save Tonya Hise’s “Rob Thompson (A view from behind)”—which she blamed on the voters’ inability to see the butt crack in the photograph. (Take it up with the Secretary of State, Tonya.)

HOWEVER! Everything changed at the seven o’clock hour when Marjorie Skinner’s “Ejaculating Vagina” cookie surged ahead in the polls (buoyed undoubtedly by the drunkards and deviants who always seem to arrive late at the voting booth) and engaging Monet’s “Pug Life” in a night-long battle of give and take.

At 7:30 pm, Wm. Steven Humphrey conceded his campaign, asking voters to switch their support to Marjorie’s “Ejaculating Vagina.” However, it wasn’t enough, as Marjorie’s “Ejaculating Vagina” dried up in the early morning hours after a rough night-long workout, and Alison’s “Cat” scratched her way back to the top! But when push came to shove, could a cat beat out a pug in America’s eyes? LET’S SEE THE FINAL RESULTS!

So with all precincts reporting, and after 311 votes were cast, congratulations to MONET MOLINA’S “PUG LOVE” cookie for winning the Mercury’s “Design a Valentine Cookie” Competition!

You may now begin to whine and moan in the comments below about how Marjorie’s “Vagina” and Alison’s “Cat” were robbed, and the entire poll was rigged. OR EVEN BETTER? Play “pundit” and try to explain why Blogtownies voted for one cookie over another!