Kudos to The Recent Future for digging up the novelization of my favorite camp flick of all time, Road House, starring Patrick Mother-effing Swayze. What’s so amazing about this particular book-inspired-by-the-movie, is that it’s nearly a shot-by-shot recreation of the actual film, peppered with unintentional hilarity (just like the movie). Check out this hilarious sample which perfectly describes the scene where Wade (Sam Elliott) arrives at the Double Deuce just in time to save Dalton (Swayze) from getting the shit kicked out of him.

Wade and Dalton been in tougher spots than this, that’s for sure. “How’s it going, Mijo?” he asks.

“Mind your own business, Dad,” Morgan says to Wade with a smirk. He’s obviously not familiar with the ancient Chinese saying “An Aging Tiger is Still a Tiger.” And this tiger’s about to roar.

Morgan returns to assaulting Dalton as the Big Guy approaches Wade. Wade is giving up a foot and 20 years, but he doesn’t look scared. Wade probably should have been a factory recall, because he was built without a sense of fear.

“Do you wanna fight, dickIess?” the Big Guy asks.

Wade, always quick with a clever comeback, says, “I sure ain’t gonna show you my dick.” Before the Big Guy can recover from the verbal blow, Wade hits him with a real one, punching him in the crotch. Wade then kicks the outside of his right knee, which sends the man to the ground with a sickening snap. No matter the size, if you take out a man’s knees, he’ll crumble.

“Oh, shit!” he screams out as he clutches at his leg and roles around on the ground. Wade looks down with a smile, brushes back his hair and says, “Goddamn, that hurts, don’t it?”

Somebody please! Where can I find this wonderful book??