If you forgot to submit your FREE Mercury valentine (to be published in this week’s paper), you must be kicking yourself in the ass right now. “ALAS! FAREWELL ‘LOVE’! FAREWELL ‘ROMANCE’! AND FAREWELL ‘LIFE’!” (Stab, stab, stab.) Well, fear not! Because even though you’re a worthless, lazy cad, the Mercury still has your back with our newest invention, THE MERCURY LOVE BOT™!

Simply click right here, fill out the necessary online form, and the MERCURY LOVE BOT™ will compose a sexy, and appropriately romantic love note… and then he’ll email it to your lover or loved one on Valentine’s Day! And once again, it’s all free, because we’re awesome and those other papers’ aren’t. SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? Activate the Mercury Love Bot™ NOW!

THE MERCURY LOVE BOT™: Why express your own feelings when a robot can do it for you?