Live from the Rose Garden as the Portland Trail Blazers take on the Charlotte Bobcats. With the exception of the occasional kitten they are forced to eat due to suburban sprawl encroaching on their natural habitat, the Bobcats are a mess. Their co-owner is a gambling addict (and the best basketball player ever to play the game), they play in a state where they are overshadowed by college hoops, and their mascot is a frightening radioactive orange bear that is either blind, or just likes wearing sunglasses indoors. Go Bobcats!

Holyfuckingshit, it’s Faith and Family Night at the arena. Sponsored by 104.1 The Fish, there is a free Christian rock concert after the game, on the court. What happened to separation of church and hoops? Do I have to live blog the praise concert? Don’t these bible-thumpers know that my people killed Jesus?

And we’d do it again…

Pre-Game:
Remember the embarrassing "Draft the 'Stache" campaign of a few years back. Somehow the pasty skin and creepy mustache of Gonzaga's Adam Morrison hypnotized the Portland public, coning us that drafting a lanky outside shooter (and diabetic) with no muscle mass or defensive skills would be a good idea. Fans held rallies, but Blazers GM Kevin Pritchard was immune to the hype and passed on Morrison, instead drafting a couple scraps (Brandon Roy and LaMarcus Aldrdige, whatever happened to them?) to the protest of numerous fans. Meanwhile, the Bobcats happily took Morrison, who was a bust last year, and this year has waxed the pine by sitting out for almost the entire season with a torn left knee ligament. Bummer, brah.

First Quarter:
11:32 - Travis Outlaw for three. Nice start from the string bean. 3-0 Blazers.

7:08 - Outlaw goes up for a jumper, but instead passes it at the last second, firing it off the turned head of Joel Przybilla. It bounces to Raymond Felton who dunks it on the other end. That was funny. 11-8 Portland.

5:25 - How Przybilla can miss three consecutive shots from within two inches of the basket is beyond me. You are the Vanilla Godzilla and over seven feet tall. How hard can this be? 15-10 Blazers.

2:51 - Looking at the numbers, it's hard to see why the Bobcats struggle like they do. They are pretty well-balanced, have guys that can score (Jason Richardson), rebound (Emeka Okafor), and pass (Raymond Felton), yet they are soft and usually get rolled over by most teams. They also have Earl Boykins, he's 5"5, and totally adorable. I want one. 23-17 PDX.

1:37 - Aldrdige somehow dunks over Boykins. He only had a foot-and-a-half height advantage, so that sure was pretty close. 27-24 Blazers.

Second Quarter:
10:20 - Boykins with the steal and then a sweet reverse layup. Adorable! I am going to take him home, he can live in my doll house and marry Barbie. Yeah, I got a doll house, what's it to you? 32-29 Blazers.

8:32 - Webster with the alley-oop pass to... no one. I assume that was meant for Przybilla, but he's not the acrobatic dunk sort of player. That was ugly. 33-31 PDX.

6:45 - Boykins revenge! He jukes and gets Aldridge into the air, then scores on a floater from about 6 feet out. Score one (actually, two) for the little dude. 37-33 Blazers.

3:49 - MEOW! The Bobcats come roaring back, it's all tied up. 41-41.

0:23 - Big 'ole Vanilla Gorilla with a dramatic tip-in, and the Blazers are now back in the lead. But not for long, Richardson nails a three for Charlotte. No Roy, no playoffs, it doesn't matter, Portland better win this game. 47-46 Bobcats.

0:00 - The bad news: The Bobcats lead at the half. The good news: March Fourth Marching Band is playing at the break. Yay! 49-48 Charlotte.

Third Quarter:
10:27 - Aldridge gets swatted by Gerald Wallace. First Boykins, now Wallace. Someone isn't using his height like he should. 53-52 PDX.

7:34 - Wallace gets conked, and the in the mad scramble Outlaw gets himself a big shiny reversal dunk. Yet still, the Blazers can't shake the 'Cats. 58-57 Charlotte.

5:20 - Holy crap! Richardson was just on the receiving end of an alley-oop and finished it with a reversal dunk. It's suddenly very quiet here. 60-59 Kitty Bobcats.

2:27 - Raymond Felton with a little face jab to Steve Blake. Ray, baby, the last thing Steve Blake needs is another punch to the mug. He's not exactly a looker, and now you had to go and do this. Oh, and Jarrett Jack just knocked back a three. 68-65 Portland.

0:23 - All pumped up from his previous shot, Jack nails another short jumper. And after a Bobcats miss, Jack goes coast to coast only to be pummeled under the basket by Ryan Hollins. He's usually a source of vast frustration, but Jack is fiery and motivated tonight. You see that NBA GMs? You should really trade for Jack in the offseason. 71-67 PDX.

Fourth Quarter:
11:25 - Oh shit. Raef LaFrentz (wait, why is he playing?) turns it over to tiny tiny tiny Earl Boykins who is "clear path" fouled, and tossed to the floor, by James Jones. Two shots, and Charlotte's ball. 72-69 PDX.

9:53 - James Jones airballs a three. It wasn't even that close. Is there a term when you miss it by feet? Mega air ball? 77-75 Bobcats.

7:19 - Again Gerald Wallace is on the receiving end of a blow to the dome and he is down on the court clutching his head, so the Blazers do what is right... drive the court and score while Charlotte is short handed. Sweep the leg, Blazers! Go for the kill! Finish him!! 79-77 Blazers.

5:50 - Want to know how ridiculous this game is? The Blazers, one of the worst rebounding teams in the NBA, have 22 more rebounds than the Bobcats, and yet they only lead by four. 81-77 PDX.

4:24 - Jarrett Jack knows what his new team will like, and that's dramatic layups in the final quarter. Let's hear it for increased trade value! Let's hear it for a four point lead! 83-79 Blazers.

2:28 - Okafur mows down the Gorilla (no call) and pulls the 'Cats a little closer, and on the other end of the court he strips it from Jack. Then Felton knocks down a three, and now all of a sudden the Bobcats are in the lead. What the hell just happened? 86-83 Charlotte.

1:48 - Is God a Blazer fan? We are about to find out here at Faith and Family Night. They lose this game, it's God's wrath. Oh, Travis Outlaw just hit a pair of free-throws, moving Portland to within one. 86-85 Charlotte.

1:07 - God has spoken, he hates Portland and especially Jarrett Jack. Baldy turns it over (again) and the Bobcats are now up by five with about a minute to go. It's not over, but it will be if Jack keeps handling the ball like that. 90-85 'Cats

0:42 - Raymond Felton clears out the arena with his jumper. The Blazers are about to lose to a team with a mere 27 wins, no direction, and a mascot worst than theirs. This should not happen. Not now, not ever. 92-85 Bobcats.

0:00 - And it's over. It was ugly and if the Blazers are going to get that winning season, they need to do better than this. Final score: 93-85 Charlotte.