• Democratic muckety-mucks are getting their panties in a bunch over a protracted nomination battle between Hillary and Obama. (In other words, once again the party thinks they’re smarter than the rest of us, and want to make the decision themselves.)

• An anonymous DNC official says that Hillary can win the nomination, “but it will require exercising the ‘Tonya Harding option.’” Wait… so Hillary will have to end her career in disgrace and live in a trailer park? (I kid Tonya, because I love Tonya.)

• Houses and refrigerators aren’t selling—which experts say is a sure sign the economy has stalled. Yeah, yeah, whatever. In this week’s paper I specifically asked our readers to send me any and all memorabilia from Family Matters, Moesha, and Blossom… and I haven’t received a single goddamn thing! Explain THAT, Alan Greenspan!

• Speaking of the economy, and childish behavior, a new study has proven what many of us have known all along: KIDS AIN’T WORTH IT.

• Researchers have discovered that Barack Obama is distantly related to Brad Pitt… and Hillary Clinton is distantly related to Angelina Jolie. I guess that means that Ralph Nader is distantly related to Jennifer Aniston. Ka-to-the-ZING! And with that, I bid you “GOOD DAY!”