Greetings and hallo from the Mercury’s Astronomy columnist! I have peeled my eyes away from the divine cosmos to bring you, Mercury readers, important tidings. Now, you may know tomorrow as the “first day of Spring,” but we learned astronomists chuckle at such commonry! For, indeed, the Venereal Equinox starts at 1:48 AM tonight, ushering the day when the Sun and the Earth reach the halfway mark of their dance among the stars. I could explain further, but it’s rather complicated astronomy stuff, and I’d just confuse you. Suffice to say, it’s one of the most magical days of the year. For instance, DID YOU KNOW:

1. On this day, and this day only, you can balance an egg on its end. This has to do with magical properties of the Sun that only come into effect when the Earth is in this precise location in its orbit. It also has to do with chickens, and the vital role they play in astronomical phenomenon. Again, very technical stuff that you’d need to study for years in order to gain a partial understanding. Trust me—I’M AN ASTRONOMIST.

2. There are no tides on the Venereal Equinox. No high tide, no low tide. Again, this has to do with the Earth’s position, and its gravitational effect on the Moon.

3. ‘Tis bad luck to carry a red carnation in one’s pocket on the Venereal Equinox. So check your pockets! You may want to go through all the clothes in your closet to make sure there isn’t one hiding. Don’t say I didn’t warn you! This may sound like a silly superstition, but it is based in scientific FACT. And I should know—I’M AN ASTRONOMIST.

4. If a young maiden puts sprinklings of lavender under her pillow the night before, she will wake on the Venereal Equinox and first male she sees will be her future husband. This doesn’t just include people! It includes all manners of beasts, including horses, camels, honeybees, and songbirds. So, young ladies, you may wish to camp out on your beloved’s doorstep to prevent any accidents!

5. After a long winter where every day was the same length, the Venereal Equinox means that once again, the earth moves forward in its orbit. Daylight hours shall start growing longer until the Solstice, when they will stay the same length all summer long, until the Auburnal Equinox. Also, the Venereal Equinox means that time shall progress slightly quicker. So, for instance, a minute during wintertime lasts the familiar 60 seconds, but after the Venereal Equinox, a minute is only 58.4 seconds long.

So, I wish you the very best on this wonderful day, and be sure to bid your neighbor, “Good Venereal Equinox to You!” And no need to thank me—I’M AN ASTRONOMIST!