Excuse me… but who killed McGruff the Crime Prevention Dog and put this ridiculous weird-voiced mutt in his place?

Wait… WHAT?! That didn’t sound anything like McGruff! Besides, just because you can create a CGI McGruff doesn’t mean you should. If they really want to teach kids to be careful while trading stocks (?!), maybe they should hire…

HUMPY WITH A BEER AND A GUN IN A McGRUFF THE CRIME DOG SUIT!

After borrowing this McGruff suit from the Office of Neighborhood Involvement, I spent the better half of a day getting drunk off my ass and walking around the Mercury office with a loaded gun. AND LET ME TELL YOU, not a single employee was even contemplating doing any cyber crime.

So the next time YOU need to teach a kid the difference between right and wrong, don’t waste your time with CGI McGruff— call HUMPY WITH A BEER AND A GUN IN A McGRUFF THE CRIME DOG SUIT! “He takes a bite out crime… and then busts a cap in its ass!”

Poor Alison.