This is a picture of a magical mammoth from 10,000 B.C.! He can mystically heal you, even if you’re already dead from being hit with an arrow! Never fear! Why, all this friendly, fun-lovin’ beast has to do is wave his trunk at you and gaze soulfully into your eyes and just like that, you’re miraculously healed!

I wish I was kidding. But no, there’s seriously a fucking magical mammoth in 10,000 B.C., and I’m pretty sure once the DVD hits we’ll find out that in deleted scenes the fucking thing winks and dances and dispenses homespun wisdom with the voice of Wilford Brimley. In addition to the mammoth, there’s also a saber-toothed tiger who’s roughly as threatening as Garfield and some giant turkeys who skwawk around and look stupid and apparently feed off of the only thing stupider-looking than they are, which are the cavemen in 10,000 B.C.

ANYWAY. Masterpiece that it is, the studio made damn sure to keep us from seeing 10,000 B.C. until it was too late for us to get a review into the paper. Our review is now online, but here’s the short version: 10,000 B.C. might be Roland Emmerich’s worst film yet. On a scale of one to 10 “Fuck you Roland Emmerich”s, with one “Fuck you Roland Emmerich” being Independence Day and 10 “Fuck you Roland Emmerich”s being Godzilla, 10,000 B.C. is an 84.