Remember yesterday when I was singing the praises of my new pork log I purchased from a Vietnamese grocery? Well sadly, there are those in this world who cannot abide with someone like me having something as wonderful as a pork log. To put it bluntly…

MY PORK LOG HAS BEEN PORK NAPPED!

This sheet of paper is all I found when I opened the office fridge this afternoon for my mid-day pork snack. Luckily for me I work with some very stupid people, and have already narrowed down the suspect list to a few very stupid employees. Why so stupid? Here’s a list of reasons:
1) They left no ransom demands.
2) The photo was obviously taken in the Mercury’s news room, on the Mercury’s news room chair.
3) The knife is the same one our receptionist Brad Buckner has refused to wash for the last three months.
4) The wrist and forearm is that of an effeminate male. (That pretty much sums up our office right there.)
5) There are only three people in the office today with their arms exposed (i.e. wearing t-shirts or rolled up sleeves).
6) The ridiculous addition of fake blood at the bottom of the log can only be the work of one with severe dementia or mental retardation. (Again, summing up the majority of our office.)

SO HERE’S THE DEAL. While I could easily deduce and prove who kidnapped my pork log, or pay the so far non-existent ransom to insure my log’s safe return, I have instead decided to follow in the words and deeds of Mel Motherfucking Gibson in his role as Tom Mullen in the classic Ron Howard film Ransom. Here’s my statement:

To the person or persons who kidnapped my pork log. Sitting before me on my desk is three million dollars in cash—but that’s the closest you’ll ever get to it. Instead I’m offering this money as a reward on your head. If I don’t get my log back, I’m going to dedicate my life to tracking you down. You still have a chance to do the right thing. If you don’t, then God be with you—because nobody else on earth will be. You kill the log, you kill yourself.

GIVE ME BACK MY LOG!!!