Our cops have it tough. On the strength of that opening sentence, I could probably get a job editing the Tribune, but it’s true. In this week’s In The Shadows column, I interviewed a severely depressed man who’d witnessed someone he knew from the psychiatric ward get Tasered in the street. It turns out the Tasering was probably justified—I got the redacted cop reports today, here’s the first:

Radio call of a suspect who had assaulted someone and was in possession of a sword…the suspect exited the bus and I recognized [him] from an encounter I had with him in the past. The past encounter involved a sword as well. At that time the suspect failed to comply with any commands. As the subject exited the bus, he did not comply with at least 3 loud demands for him to put his hands in the air. He kept his hands in his chest area and looked disoriented and stared off into space. Officer Park tazed the subject who was then handcuffed after the sword was removed from his person…prior to transport, [he] said bizarre things like he was just pickling mushrooms and I was just hit by a meteorite. [He] knew he was in Portland but couldn’t tell us where…The sword was taken as evidence.

And the second:

Ofc.Harris and I were dispatched to a report of an assault involving a suspect who was armed with a sword, wearing a purple medieval style coat and long beard. I arrived to the area and observed several people pointing and running frantically. One of the subjects ran up to my patrol car and pointed to a subject walking southbound on SE 3rd from Washington. The citizen told me that the subject…had just assaulted someone and was armed with a sword or dagger…

I knew [he] had the willingness to commit violence as he had just assaulted a citizen. I had good reason to believe [he] was armed with an edged weapon. [He] was also ignoring my clear instructions which I had repeated three times…For these reasons; I was in fear for my safety, Ofc.Harris’s safety and for the safety of the citizens on the bus.

We retrieved a 2-2 1/2 foot long medieval style dagger from his waistband.

Needless to say, it’s a lot to ask of our police officers to have to be the front line of response in situations like this. It’s sad that such a situation has arisen at all. Blahblah. All I need now is the boring headline, and we’re in Tribland. But seriously: A medieval sword!?

[A]: How was your day today honey?
[B]: Bland. I tazed a man in the chest who was armed with a medieval sword.
[A]: Oh.

Somebody deserves a stiff martini.