Live from the Rose Garden as the Portland Trail Blazers take on the Dallas Mavericks in the second to last home game of the season. Dallas, led by the German mouth-breather Dirk Nowitzki, is playoff-bound, while the Trail Blazers will be golfing (or playing video games where they make Mario golf) a week from now. Fore!

Pre-Game:
The Blazers have lost 15 of the last 16 against Dallas (I'm depressed just typing that), but Portland has a prayer seeing how Dallas might be limiting their starter's minutes with the playoffs around the corner. But, then again, Dallas is still in a tight race for playoff positioning—they win and Denver loses, they will be guaranteed a 7th seed, and they have a shot at catching Phoenix for the 6th seed, but to explain that would require and abacus and a Texas Instruments T-80 graphing calculator—so it's safe to assume their stars will get minutes. Plus last year, the Mavs rested their starters at the end of the season and were streamrolled by Golden State in the first round.

In other news, Jason Kidd looks like a scary bridge troll. He'll let you dribble by him to the basket, but you have to solve his three riddles first.

So here is my idea. Tuesday is the final home game of the season. The Blazers should suit up Greg Oden and have him "play" for the first 30 seconds of the game. He doesn't have to do anything, just stand there and smile, but since it is "Fan Appreciation" night, it would be a nice treat for a very patient fanbase. But if his knee snaps like a meaty SlimJim during this cheap PR stunt, it wasn't my idea. I swear.

First Quarter:
10:02 - Dirk'in It! Nowitzki with a quick jumper and Dallas has yet to miss a shot. 9-4 Mavs.

8:01 - Channing Frye starts off where he left off over the past couple games, he hits a 18-foot jumper and the Blazers are in the lead. I like this new aggressive Frye, although I sort of fear that the better he does now, the more likely he is to be shipped away during the off-season. 14-10 Blazers.

4:36 - Dallas looks sluggish (dreams of candy apples, sugar plums, and playing against Chris Paul in the first round of the playoffs are dancing through their heads), and Portland is padding that lead. 25-14 Portland.

1:06 - Brandon Roy gets busted for a carry. I thought being an all-star meant you never got that call against you. Doesn't really matter, on the next possession Roy hits a three and now it's getting messy, 35-21 Portland.

Second Quarter:
12:00 - That might be the best quarter of basketball the Blazers have played all year, too bad it's buried in a late season game like this. The team shot a stunning 72% from the field, which is nice, but it won't last.

10:16 - It took less than two minutes, but the 16 point lead at the break is now down to 10. What's even worse is that Dallas' bench players have led the comeback. 38-28 Portland.

8:53 - Jarrett Jack with a steal and he doesn't even turn it over on the other end. What strange, wonderful planet are we on? One where the Blazers are better than the Mavs, evidentially. 41-29 Portland.

7:00 - Roy with a stutter-step, drive, layup and foul. Damn. Time to dust off Dirk, he's back in the game. 45-33 Portland.

3:25 - Everything is coming up Portland. Steve Blake knocks back a three at the shot clock buzzer and the lead is back to a dozen. 51-39 Blazers.

1:32 - What the fuck just happened? Jarrett Jack leads a fast-break and turns it over alley-oops it to Roy for a flying dunk. Wow. 58-43 Portland.

0:20 - This is getting ridiculous. Steve Blake knocks down a jumper and the Blazers (who are shooting 65%) now have three players in double figures—Aldridge, Roy, Blake—before the half. They also have a 13 point lead. 62-49 Portland.

Third Quarter:
10:23 - The pride of Würzburg, Germany hits a three. Then a two. Then another two. Portland calls a timeout. Oh, I'm talking about Nowitzki, not Juwan Howard, just in case you were confused. 66-57 Blazers.

8:09 - Panic! Here comes the Mavs. Eddie Jones (yes he still plays) for three and Dallas only trails by 6. Somewhere Dallas owner Mark Cuban kicks a blogger with delight. 70-64 Blazers.

5:38 - The incredible shrinking lead keeps getting smaller and smaller. It's now down to a single basket, as Nowitzki (again) scorers for Dallas. Schei! 73-70 PDX.

3:07 - Frye with a jumper and now all five Blazer starters are in double figures. Plus, they have held off the Dallas charge... for now, at least. 81-74 Portland.

0:02 - Jason Kidd pushes Brandon Roy out of bounds, and it's rules a Blazers turnover. The big screen plays a weird "weak sauce" graphic. Is that new? Did they save that for the second to last game? Hmmm.... Oh, the lead is back to seven with 12 minutes to go. 87-80 Portland.

Fourth Quarter:
10:03 - Still mad at that Kidd thing, Roy swishes a three in the hobbit's face, and the lead returns to 9. 91-82 Blazers.

8:39 - Travis Outlaw with a little fancy above the rim action, which is something he rarely does. Dallas is still going to make a run, but Portland is still red hot from the field (59%) and doesn't show any sign of slowing down. 93-84 Blazers.

7:18 - Oh Jarrett! A line violation? Seriously? Even for the turnover king, that is embarrassing. 95-86 PDX.

5:48 - Tyronn Lue, who played all of 39 seconds before this quarter, has added a little spark to the Mavs offense. He buries a three pointer and then gets a (generous) goal-tend call against Frye. 99-93 Portland.

2:56 - It ain't over. Not at until the big Dirk (Nowitzki, not Diggler) hits the showers. He hits another shot (he has 22) and Dallas trims the lead, with plenty of ticks of the clock remaining. 99-95 Portland.

1:36 - Dallas' Jason Terry was about to trim the lead to two points, but the long arm of Aldridge swats the ball into the seats. Nowitzki cares not for long arms, he hits a shot and it's a two point game. Uhoh. 101-99 Blazers.

0:58 - Dirk ties it. 101 up.

0:49 - Aldridge does him one better. He unties it, and hits a free throw. Portland is back in the lead. That feels right. 104-101 Blazers.

0:38 - Jason Terry misses his runner, but is sent to the floor. He hits both foul shots but the Mavs need a defensive stand on Portland's next possession. 104-103 Portland.

0:28 - There will be no defensive stop. Dallas' press defense leaves Outlaw wide open for a short jumper, and the lead is back to three. Mind you, Nowitzki hit a dramatic three pointer as time expired the other night, so Portland is not in the clear. 106-103 PDX.

0:20 - Dirk is fouled by Frye and hits both shots. So, again, Dallas will be looking for a quick foul, dramatic steal, of act of God. They are from Texas, so God is clearly on their side. 106-105 Portland.

0:19 - Jarrett "Trade Bait" Jack hits a pair of free throws to push the lead (again) back to three, and Dallas blows an easy basket on the other end. But they recover the ball and now have 4.8 seconds to hit a three or go home like a bunch of Texas babies. 108-105 Blazers.

0:00 - The three rattles off, and the Blazers win. They just might get to .500 yet...
Final score: Portland 108, Dallas 105.