Here we are, live at the Rose Garden on a beautiful Sunday afternoon, and I’m about to bring you some bad news, but it’d be wrong not give you anything good to balance things out — that’d be like Manu Ginobili losing his hair and his first step.

First the bad: The Spurs have beaten the Blazers 11 times in a row. No Blazer victories since 2005. Yeesh. Now, add to that San Antonio’s 26 point drubbing at the hands of Utah Friday, and their need to stay sharp in the Western Conference playoff race and well… you get it right? If not, perhaps you’d like to take the Blazers to cover?

The Good News: Brandon Roy is back. No more sore groin. Ready again to make babies and jumpshots. Hot Dog.

Tip-off coming soon. Follow along after the jump.

Pregame

I'm not sure where he came from, but the guy who sang the national anthem did it in a British accent. That's a new one.

In other news, Tony Parker got way more applause than he deserves. Little scruffy wiener dog married to a fantastic bitch on the perennial championship team and we're liking him? Maybe it's just my tendency to root for underdogs but... well, no. Tony Parker just sucks. Tom Cruise at your wedding? Sorry brah, that's it. No more credibility after that trash.

Roy will start.

Oh, one last thought--Here's how the Blazers can win tonight: The Spurs Geritol is a tainted Chinese knock-off. That's what it's going to take.

First Quarter

10:19 – James Jones starts in place of Martell Webster, who’s out with an irregular heartbeat. Webster will undergo a test tomorrow. The Blazers getting their comeuppance has not begun in earnest yet, as the score is tied at four.

6:45 – Want another reason to hate Tony Parker? He just sliced up the Trail Blazers interior ‘D’ and found Bruce “I’m not a dirty player” Bowen for three. Jesus, I mean, how can you not hate the Spurs almost totally? They’ve got more flopping Eurotrash than any team in History, plus they win, constantly, plus Tim Duncan is a monumental, lifeless bore, plus they’re from Texas, plus they’re no fun to watch, plus Greg Popovich is difficult to look at, plus Robert Horry, who is down on the court during this timeout is wearing a canary-yellow suit. Need more? I got em… just say the word. Spurs up, 9-4.

3:45 – Jarrett Jack actually makes a decent play on the fast break for once and finds and open Travis Outlaw on the wing for three. One the other end LaMarcus does his duty and knocks the crap out of a streaking Ginobili, preventing him from an easy two. WHAM, here you go, no take that with ya. Spurs up six.

2:10 – The Gorilla’s getting flustered. Before the last timeout he was getting into it with the refs, and his anger flared again in a fight for a rebound under the Blazer basket. Hopefully this will translate into a crushing sidewalk slam on Tim Duncan—because if he’s going to waltz through the lane for easy layups like he just did, well, that’s what he deserves. Thanks to Travis Outlaw’s seven points, the Blazers are still in it. Portland 13, San Antonio 17.

1:00 – Perhaps the only likeable player on San Antonio—Portland’s own Ime Udoka—just checked in to a nice round of applause.

0:00 – A gust of wind blows through the Rose Garden, blowing Sergio Rodriguez’s last second jumper off course. It misses everything. At the end of the amazing, hot doggin’, fantastic first quarter, it’s Portland 13, San Antonio 17. Yeeehaw.

Second Quarter

10:04 – Blazer lineup to begin the second: Sergio, Jack, Frye, Outlaw and James Jones. Say What?! I know. As in, I don’t know. In other news, Lil’ Wayne is bumping during this timeout. Sweet. Blazers down by nine.

9:22 – Does anyone have Nate McMillan’s email address? Phone number? Fax? If so, please send him this simple memo (a singing telegram would also be good): PUT IN VON WAFER. That is all. San Antonio up nine, Brandon Roy back in, and I’m wondering: why bring Roy back for this game? Pride is a bitch. Buckets by Travis and Dr. Turnover (Jarrett Jack) bring the Blazers within five.

(If the Blazers somehow manage to win this, do you know how stupid I’m going to look? Jesus…)

Michael Finley for three cranks Spurs lead back to eight.

5:33 – Dr. Turnover shoots a perfect pass right to Nate McMillan on the sidelines. Nice. This game has a Sunday afternoon pace about it. Maybe they all had the gigantic brunch I did… Portland 23, San Antonio 31.

Despite a pretty smothering double-team, Roy fades, banks and scores inside. Could’ve been a foul there too. God. With him having been out these last few games, plays like that sure have been in short supply. It’s nice to remember what good basketball looks like.

On the ensuing play Aldridge glides through the paint and his sweeping hook rims in. Blazers down only four. And of course, Popvich calls a timeout. Goodbye slight momentum.

2:01 – The Raefist is in. He fouls Duncan—on the floor I might add—but the refs gift Slow Boring (that’s his new nickname) with an and-one. Another crap call and the Blazers turn it over. The last few minutes of this quarter could decide the game. If the Spurs close strong, and open a near double-digit lead, well, I don’t have to tell you. Luckily the Slow Bore doesn’t shoot free throws. Spurs up, 36-29.

:00 – Ime you BASTARD! Come back here and bury a three before the half ends… Goddamnit. Still, give the Blazers some credit. They’re down just five at the half. Portland 34, San Antonio 39.

Halftime

Here’s some terrible news: Joel Przybilla broke his hand. It’s fucked. Poor guy was trying so hard to play in all 82 games this season. So close, so close… apparently it was either a rebound or a shot block attempt that got jammed against the rim or twisted in the net.

Third Quarter

10:31 – Spurs off to a quick start. Finley nails a three and all of a sudden the Blazers are down by 11. Sonnofa…

More on Przybilla’s broken hand: It was a block attempt, and Joel got his hand twised up in the rim/net.

7:21 – It’s becoming a reoccurring situation: the Spurs go up by around 10 points, and just as things are threatening to break open, the Blazers answer with a mini-run of their own. Portland never quite closes the gap completely, or takes the lead, but they keep things within reach. It just happened again, and again, Popovich chills things with a timeout. Spurs 49, Blazers 42.

6:51 – The Spurs are given an extra possession because Kurt Thomas fell down. I wish I could get things at my job for falling down, that is, other than being laughed at. Blazers back within five.

3:33 – Here’s what Brandon Roy gives you: on a busted ass play, with nowhere to go, a defender in his face, and the shot clock ticking away he just rises up, fades a bit, and knocks it in. Keeping the dream alive.

On the ensuing possession, good ol’ Damon Stoudamire—Mighty Mouse—checks in to the Spurs. The hometown guy is treated to a bit of applause and a whole lot more “boo’s”. That aint nice. What’d he ever do that was so bad? So what if he took a couple puffs of the sticky-icky? (Ok, the thing with the weed wrapped in tinfoil though them metal detector was dumb, but it’s a victimless crime. And shit, maaan, it’s like a plant. God made it. He wanted us to have it.

Oh yeah, there’s a game going on. Where is my mind? Pretty much déjà vu, with San Antonio making another run. They’re up nine.

Roy’s buzzer beater rolls around and somehow off the rim. Close. So close. Spurs 61, Portland 52.

Fourth Quarter

10:29 – It seems as if Mighty Mouse is a little hurt by the “boo’s”. Everytime he touches the ball his eyes light up and he wants to drop a guy punch to the ungrateful Portland fans. So far though, he’s come up empty. Roy just dominated the lil’ guy, who took it at him, and threw up an airball…

9:14 – Channing Frye drops the hammer on Oberto, only Frye’s hammer has a Fisher Price sticker on it and Oberto scores, then completes the three point play. On the other end, Outlaw nails a three to cut the Spurs lead to seven.

6:52 – Dr. Turnover with a classic. Throws another into no mans land after getting caught in the air. This time, however, it gets him benched.

In other news, the ‘R’ in Raef does not stand for “respect”. Duncan charges into him and Rodney Dangerfield is whistled for the foul. Dang dog. Portland 59, San Antonio 66.

1:49 – The Blazers are on the court, but the only thing they’ve been producing are turnovers and bricks. Four points in the last five minutes. San Antonio hasn’t been much better, but they’ve done just enough to sew things up. Manu Ginobili’s one-handed jam just about sealed it. They’re up, 72-63 and fans are streaming for the exits.

Oh but wait! Modest Mouse on the P.A. Booyah.

So, let’s begin this cavalcade of stats, which I’m afraid are mostly all bad:

Five straight Blazer losses.

12 straight defeats against the Spurs.

Losing record for the first time since December 14th.

Lowest scoring game of the season, by a lot. The second lowest mark is somewhere in the 70’s.

Joel Przybilla breaks his hand.

But you know what, this one could’ve been a lot worse. The Spurs, I thought, were poised to hand the Blazers their own asses. And yeah, Portland did get spanked, but not as hard as I would have thought. Seriously. I figured a 20-25 point embarrassment.

But that’s not what it was. Final score: Portland 65, San Antonio 72.

See you here Tuesday for the Lakers. I guarantee you the Blazers don’t come into that one with the energy of a lackadaisical Sunday afternoon.