Here’s another thing you rarely hear outside of a pornographic film: “I could really go for some penis right now.”

But for those outside of the porn industry who have uttered such a phrase in the earnest, culinary sense, a short hop to Beijing is all it takes to slake your hunger for male genitalia.

From Stefan Gates in London’s Sunday Times:

I’m visiting the Guo-li-zhuang restaurant, a specialist penis and testicle emporium that caters mainly to wealthy businessmen and Communist party officials (who, truth be told, are often one and the same).

It offers every conceivable John Thomas you could ever want, which probably isn’t very many. Nonetheless, the menu is both extensive and impressive.

Yes, extensive and impressive. And just in case you were wondering, Matt Davis assures me that John Thomas is weird British slang for penis. Those Brits… Why can’t they just call it something normal? I call mine Charlie… Oh well, to each his own.

It doesn’t look like penis…

Apparently this charming eatery serves penis and testicles from numerous male mammals including goats, bulls and dogs. Mr. Gates points out that all styles of penis have differing texture, but taste mildly of pork, with overtones of the sauces they are prepared in. Hmm, reminds me of my early twenties. Perhaps the most squirm-inducing aspect of the meal is how the meat is prepared.

Again, Mr. Gates:

I ask a chef to show us the preparation of a penis first, so that I can get a feel for the process. He enters holding aloft an eye-wateringly large yak’s knob. It’s about 45cm long, but thin, so thin. It’s been boiled gently and - I can’t believe I’m writing this - peeled, except for a hunk of foreskin still clinging on to the end. He cuts the thing in half lengthways with a pair of scissors.

Yikes. But, tell me Mr. Sanders, what about the poor chef who has to prepare this cock smorgasbord?

I ask the chef if he thinks it strange to deal exclusively in genitalia, but he shrugs and doesn’t know what to say. He’s just happy to have a good job, really. His friends don’t take the mickey, his parents are proud of him and he does what he’s told. Okay.

I asked a young lady from Devils Point that same exact question, and I have to say the response was eerily similar.

In the end, it turns out that there is a certain amount of Communist pride for the dick delicacies. Turns out that it shows the resiliency of the Chinese people who, during hard economic times, learned to prepare every portion of an animal.

So let that be a lesson to us. Looking down the barrel at some grim economic times, we might soon be seeing a different kind of foot long sandwich at the local Subway. One can only hope.