Because only one kind of punctuation will do…

1.HEPARIN!!! The Feds say there’s a clear link between contaminated blood thinner from China and 81 deaths in the US. The Chinese government says just because it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s not crispy duck. In fact, it’s crispy American Eagle [you should probably check that point by reading the article].

2.POINTLESS!!! David Blaine holds his breath for 16 minutes.

3.PENNSYLVANIA!!! Clinton must win decisively today, says Obama, who expects to lose, but not by much. Guardian cartoonist Rick Meyerowitz commemorates the occasion by drawing a sexist caricature:
CLINTON: Distinctive profile in politics…

4.ZZZIMBABWE!!! South African leader Jacob Zuma says Zimbabwe’s delay in announcing its election result is unacceptably snoozy. The story wins high points in Scrabble.

5.THUMBY!!! Fighting carnival workers in Medford leave a bitten-off thumb behind, although why this is news is beyond me. I mean, who among us hasn’t bitten off someone’s thumb/shot someone in the face and regretted it the next morning, after a few drinks?

Good day.