• Vice President Dick Cheney is STILL looking for Iraqi weapons of mass destruction. You know, he’s the only insane old person that isn’t kind of cute.

• Oregonian superdelegate Rep. David Wu is endorsing Obama, which currently ties the vote. The Mercury (a not-so-super delegate) has not made their endorsement yet, because we are waiting to see if Obama can possibly get any DREAMIER!

• Your t-shirt slogan of the day: “Experts say the sex abstinence program doesn’t work. So… SLEEP WITH ME!”

• China is suing CNN for $1.3 billion—which means one dollar will go to every Chinese citizen. I’M NOT JOKING!

• “Mobsters Without Borders” may be an increasing global threat, but that doesn’t stop it from being the coolest band name ever!

• American Idol shocker! The Irish and kind of annoying Cathy Smithson got sent packing, making the stopping and re-starting Brooke White the most despised person on the planet.

• Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer hinted today that the company may not stop selling the Windows XP operating system—but seriously, that hipster guy in the “I’m a Mac, I’m a P.C.” commercials has GOT to stop making fun of them.

• Hey Microsoft! Here’s a great way to lure back the hipsters. Sell this designer’s pants with a working keyboard in the crotch. Mmm… my caps are LOCKED.