Because April is the cruelest month…

1.GAS GAS GAS!!! Clinton moves to suspend the federal gas tax this summer as prices continue to rise. Obama shows the kind of bold leadership we can expect from him as president, saying such a move would do nothing to curtail oil consumption and imports.

2.JUMPING JACK PROFITS!!! In unrelated news BP and Shell made $17bn in the last quarter.

3.JIMI SEXDRIX!!! A supposed guitar-hero sex tape is to be released. Apparently he does it with his teeth…

HENDRIX TAPE: Oh dear oh dear…

4.FREE VIAGRA!!! The mayor of a town in Chile plans to distribute the drug to men over 60 four times a month, to “improve their quality of life.”

5.TORNADOES!!! Rip through Virginia. Fortunately the residents are all too distracted watching the Jimi Hendrix sex tape to give a shit. One distracted resident tells Fox News:” There’s my red house, over yonder…” before walking off in a daze.

Good day.