So I’m screening Iron Man in a few weeks, and already, everybody is all, “Hey, have you got a +1 yet? I want to see Robert Downey, Jr. get all drunk and run around in flying tank suit! Oh, and, uh, sure, you’re cool to hang out with, too, I guess.” And so I keep saying, “Damn straight! I’m fucking awesome to hang out with! But no, I’m afraid you can’t see Iron Man early with me, because two of my coworkers are bitterly fighting over who gets to be my +1 to the screening, and one of them will end up going.” And they say, “Oh, that sucks. Which one of your coworkers are you going to take?” And I say, “I DON’T KNOW!”

Because here’s the problem: Both Mercury Editor-in-Chief Wm. Steven Humphrey and Mercury Music Editor Ezra Ace Caraeff are are desperate to see Iron Man. A contest would seem to be the way to settle this, right? But so far, Steve’s ideas for contests (all of which involve singing, dancing, singing and dancing, or interpretive dancing) have been rejected by Ezra, who instead has his own ideas about what an Iron Man contest should entail (the details are fuzzy, but from what I can tell, it involves the winner being he who can rattle off the most trivia about My Chemical Romance).

I tried to settle this the other day by gathering them in the same room and saying, "Okay, quick! The first one to bring me a Coca-Cola Slurpee in a collectible Iron Man cup gets to go with me! Annnnd... go!" This exhilarating contest got off to a blazing start when Ezra immediately whined about how dangerous "high speed races" were, while Steve bemoaned gas prices. So then they leisurely drove over there together, in the same car, and then, about 25 minutes later, presented me with two delicious Iron Man Slurpees at exactly the same time. To say the thing was a draw might be giving them too much credit--it might be more accurate to note that apparently, it turns out neither of my coworkers actually knows how contests work.

Then I figured I could make them shut up about Iron Man already if I just picked one of them to go with me. But then I realized if I picked Steve, my office-mate Ezra would spend his entire day bitterly blasting Soul Asylum albums at full volume, while if I picked Ezra, Steve would fire me. It's a lose-lose situation--a true Iron Man conundrum!

So that means it's time for a poll. I told both candidates they had two sentences to plead their case and win votes.

VOTE EZRA ACE CARAEFF!

Vote for me America, since my boss, Wm. Steven Humphrey, is a megalomaniac (the Idi Amin of weekly papers) who insists on contests like this to prove how beloved he is by "his people." His love for comic books is downright creepy (he often sits in his darkened office reenacting scenes from Archie, as he plays the role of a pantsless Mr. Weatherbee), and if he somehow cons you into voting for him, he will disrupt the screening by constantly yelling out "WHERE'S SHE-HULK?" at the screen, unaware of what film he is really attending.

VOTE WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY!

Proof I love Iron Man more than Ezra: I dressed up as Iron Man for Halloween not once, but twice; I own critical issues of Tales of Suspense (where Iron Man debuted), including #40, where his armor went from grey to gold, and a Steve Ditko drawn issue #48, where his armor first was seen as red and gold; I am a wealthy, drunken industrialist (much like Tony Stark); and when 7-Eleven announced their new Iron Man Slurpee cups, who squealed like a little girl and IMMEDIATELY purchased one? That would be me. DAMMIT! I just used up my second sentence. OH! And as everyone around the office knows, I often make up and perform interpretive dances to Black Sabbath's "Iron Man." That is all.

Voting ends at 4:30 pm today.

SO WHO GETS TO SEE IRON MAN EARLY?