“Foodie” is the word used by annoying people who like to spend too much money on food when they need to describe themselves. I do not know where the term comes from, but I do know that I am not one of these “foodies.” Evidence! For better (according to me) or worse (according to my know-it-all doctor), my diet largely consists of the following items.

• peanut butter and honey sandwiches
• pasta with tomato sauce
• pasta with pesto sauce
• ice cream
• cold cereal

In addition to liking the above things—and especially liking cold cereal—I also love Indiana Jones! So you would think that a combination of Indiana Jones and cold cereal would be fucking AWESOME, right? Right?

Well, shenanigans! Indiana Jones--The Cereal! is, in fact, Count Chocula. My reasoning behind this? There are chocolate corn puffs, there are marshmallows, and it tastes exactly like Count Chocula.

The difference between Count Chocula and Indiana Jones: The Cereal!, I guess, is shape of the marshmallows.

That's a shitty picture because the camera on my phone wouldn't focus and this post is entirely too stupid to justify the use of an actual camera, so I'll just break it down for you. Here are the marshmallow shapes.

• Crystal skull
• Torch
• Indy's hat
• Temple of Akator

First off, the "Indy's hat" marshmallow and the "Temple of Akator" marshmallows look exactly the same, which is to say that they look like pieces of cat food. Second, whoever thought a "torch" would be a good idea for a marshmallow should be fired. Third, the crystal skull-shaped marshmallows are WHERE IT'S AT. Obviously.

I mean, how badass are those? I don't even eat meat, but the idea of crystal skull-shaped food is just incredible. In fact, if I were the cook of this cereal, instead of Cook Kellogg or Tony the Tiger or those Keebler elves whoever the fuck is making this, I would make all the marshmallows crystal skull-shaped, and I would put in way more of them. Actually, I would make the whole cereal nothing but crystal skull-shaped marshmallows. Maybe every once in a while you would find a chocolate corn puff in there, but that would either be an accident, or it would just be to get mothers who complain about how unhealthy my delicious marshmallows are off my goddamn back for five goddamn minutes.

Also, try this on for size, mothers! Just FYI, one out of every 10 boxes of my new and improved Indiana Jones: The Cereal! would actually contain no cereal marshmallows whatsoever--instead, these boxes would be full of poisoned dates. True, small children or greedy monkeys might die from eating these special, collector's edition boxes of Indiana Jones: The Cereal!--but that's just the sort of risk you have to take if you're going to be an archaeologist/international adventurer/breakfast eater.

Okay, but no, fucking seriously? A torch? Indy's hat? Did no one who made this cereal (I'm looking in your direction, elves!) see Temple of Doom? They couldn't have made even one of the shapes a floating eyeball? Or a monkey brain? Come on.

In summation, Indiana Jones: The Cereal! is my new favorite food, and last night I ate four bowls of it.