• Hillary Clinton will be quickly stopping by Oregon today to say “hi, howyadoin’, gotta go” in a whirlwind three state tour.

• Meanwhile, Barack Obama has picked up four more superdelegates, with more and more “undecideds” seeing the light.

• Former President Jimmy Carter says that Michigan and Florida delegates should not be counted because “they disqualified themselves.” In other words, sorry, but no do-overs for dummies!

• Philadelphia mayor views tape of cops kicking and beating the ever loving shit out of three suspects and decides, “Mmmm… okay. That’s inappropriate.”

• Rev. Al Sharpton and other civil rights activists have been arrested for protesting the acquittal of the cops who shot an unarmed black man fifty times on his wedding day. Starting to see a trend here!

• Remember those sea lions at the Bonneville Dam who were cruelly shot? Weeeeeell, they weren’t so shot after all. You’re safe this time, cops!

• Wedding bells are ringing for the President’s daughter Jenna Bush and the poor sonofabitch who’s marrying her. (Confidential to poor sonofabitch: There’s always time to run.)

• And finally, is it news when mascots are decapitated? Sure it is—especially if it’s hilarious!

Poor Mr. Redlegs.