• It’s the morning after election night, and once again we here at the Mercury have learned a valuable lesson: Drinking and blogging is problematic.

• Hey, guess what! Portland is the first of the top 30 cities to ever elect an openly gay mayor! WOOT! In your FACE, San Francisco!

• And here’s a quick and dirty rundown of what happened last night for those who are only marginally interested.

• “Barring a cataclysmic change of events, Barack Obama will win enough pledged and superdelegates to capture the party’s nomination.” Will someone PUH-LEEEEZE tell Hillary that?

• Right wing conspiracists are claiming the only reason why Barack Obama drew 75,000 people to Portland’s Waterfront Park is because he was preceded by The Decemberists. Now, I love me some Colin Meloy… but C’MON!

• Ted Kennedy is released from the hospital a day after learning he has a cancerous brain tumor. As usual, radio talk show idiot Michael Savage is being a douchebag about it.

• Cyclone ravaged Myanmar is stubbornly refusing to accept they need help. They’re like the Hillary Clinton of third world countries!

• Denise Richards is violently denying that she EVER asked for any of Charlie Sheen’s sperm. I believe her. In fact, I believe anyone who claims they don’t want his sperm.

• Jessica Alba has crushed our dreams by getting secretly married. Say goodbye to these!