• Former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan bashes Bush in his new book, claiming the President used a “political propaganda campaign” to sell the war in Iraq, instead of telling… oh, I don’t know… THE TRUTH.

• Meanwhile, completely innocent White House bystander Karl Rove has hit back against McClellan’s accusations, saying his words sound like “a left wing blogger.” HEY! DON’T LUMP HIM IN WITH US!

• Bill Gates has introduced the newest innovation from Microsoft: it’s a “Touch screen” application that you can use instead of a mouse! (I know about this, because I read it on my iPhone.)

• An ex-personal assistant to R. Kelly has taken the stand in his child pornography trial to say, yup, that is definitely Kelly in the sex video. It is SO hard to find good help these days!

• Note to homo haters: The majority of Californians support gay marriage (and think you’re stupid, old-timey, and should mind your own goddamn business).

• Gas prices hit record high in Oregon; Oregonian vows to deliver their stupid “Food Day” circulars via bicycle. (If only this was true.)

• Two teenagers steal money from a 9-year-old Girl Scout. Why? “Who doesn’t like money?” The hilarious video below!