• Senator Edward Kennedy returned home after undergoing aggressive surgery to treat a brain tumor, which means conservative radio hosts will still have someone to make fun of.

• A vodka company has offered Hillary Clinton an endless supply of booze to last her the rest of the election season. See? If she had dropped out sooner, she could’ve been getting drunk that much quicker.

• A FOX News anchor has called Barack and Michelle Obama’s “fist bump” a “terrorist fist jab.” Ohhh… poor retarded FOX News.

• Apple’s Steve Jobs is expected to introduce the new iPhone 2.0 today, making my current iPhone look like a box of crap.

• The Tokyo man who went on a stabbing rampage over the weekend preceded his attack with warnings posted on the internet. Look for him on MySpace under “Stabby McStabberson.”

• In case you didn’t notice, gas prices have risen to over $4 a gallon. THAT’S IT! I’m riding my Big Wheel to work.

• Jessica Alba gave birth to a baby girl over the weekend; Maxim has already proclaimed the newborn “Sexiest Infant of 2008.”