Because your mom told me you’re a news addict…

1.RED SCARE!!! Because Americans like nothing more than a minor crisis they can have an opinion about without actually, you know, having to change their habits. GLOBAL WARMING, people. That’ll really fuck your tomatoes. Pat Coleman has more.
TOMATOES: WILL CUT OFF YOUR HEAD AND SHIT DOWN YOUR NECK…I SWEAR…

2.SALMONELLA!!! Police find pipe bomb stuffed inside a chicken. Will Smith responds with a statement: “Cluck shake shake shake the room,” he says. “Cluck shake shake shake the room. Cluck shake shake shake the room. Cluck, cluck, cluck…boom.”

3.QUAKE LAKES!!! China drains lake into ruined town. Only 30 more to go…

4.COMA!!! The 19-year-old Austrian girl imprisoned in a basement by her father all her life has awakened from a 7-week snooze. Her father, meanwhile, faces a maximum of 15 years. Then again, the Austrians always were rather forgiving…

5.FOOD STAMPS!!! In the suburbs. Blame the Portland Business Alliance. And the Austrians, I suppose. For hoarding all the gold.

Good day.