This Week in the Mercury


Thursday, June 26, 2008

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Thu, Jun 26, 2008 at 9:18 AM

• The Supreme Court rules that it's a-OK for people to own guns for self-defense in their homes. Lucky for me, my home's in the woods, and that ten-point buck is accused of breaking and entering! YEEEEE-HAW! Pew! Pew-pew-PEW!

• Republican Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal signed legislation allowing judges to order sex offenders to undergo chemical castration. Yeeee-haw?

• The Bush Administration has lifted sanctions from North Korea. So… this former member of the "axis of evil" ain't so evil after all.

California unveils a massive plan to promote "clean cars, renewable energy and stringent caps on big polluting industries." Plus, as we already know, married gay couples produce less harmful fumes.

• Astros pitcher Shawn Chacon has been suspended after allegedly grabbing G.M. Ed Wade by the neck and throwing him to the ground. Well… his head does kind of look like a baseball.

• The non-award winning Mercury Sports Desk provides live-blog coverage of today's NBA draft. Look for the Blazers to trade Greg Oden for the ghost of Sam Bowie. What's that? Bowie's not dead? Well, he is to me.

• Wow. These people really, REALLY love faggots. (The following quote should inspire you to actually read this article: "The great British faggot is full of flavour and a great belly warmer at this time of year.")

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