After six years in captivity, former Colombian presidential candidate Ingrid Betancourt is free after a daring jungle rescue! Sorry, actresses. Angelina Jolie has already snapped up the part. (Seriously though, this is an awesome story -- check it out.)

Conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh will get $38 million a year, for the next 8 years. See? It pays to be an asshole.

Scientists discover that eating watermelon may produce Viagra-like effects. OH GREAT! That's the last fucking thing I need... Watermelon Spammers!

Yankees star Alex Rodriguez is splitting up with his wife, but is denying it's because he's been sleeping with Madonna, who in turn is denying she's not splitting up with Guy Ritchie, who denies kind of feeling like an asshole right now.

The Seattle Supersonics are moving to Oklahoma City. In return Seattle will get a five-second peek at Jessica Alba naked. SOLD!

FOX News has been caught altering the photos of people who were mean to them, making them uglier. My only question: WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS, TOO?

And finally, I've noticed that your patriotic fervor is less than fervor-ish. So watch this rousing all-star tribute to America as presented by the Muppets, you stinking red-loving commie!