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Tuesday, July 22, 2008

It's Motherfrakking Eric Stoltz!!!

Posted by Erik Henriksen on Tue, Jul 22, 2008 at 10:44 AM

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None of those chicks are actually in Caprica (OR ARE THEY?!?!), but I'm still using that image, because... well, fuck. C'mon. Because it's that image.

ANYWAY. The first trailer for the Battlestar Galactica prequel, Caprica, has gone online, and here it is. After the trailer I'll do some bitching and moaning about why Battlestar isn't as good as it used to be (waaah!) and why would the Adamas pretend to the be the Adamses and why isn't Number Six the star of Caprica and I'm so grumpy and blah blah blah if Andy Rooney was a nerd blah blah.

First, lemme get rid of some baggage I've been carrying around about the first half of season four (we're now heading into spoiler territory, just FYI): Gaius as some bullshitty cult leader? Goddamn Starbuck turning from the coolest character ever into someone who's even more insufferably whiny and/or crazy than Roslin? Anything and everything that annoying shithead Romo Lampkin and his goddamn stupid cats have ever done ever? A goddamn boring-ass truce between the Cylons and the humans? Fucking finding Earth? WHY DOES EARTH EVEN MATTER ANYMORE? Since humans are all buddy-buddy with the goddamn cylons already, why they do they even give a shit about Earth? Who even cares if it's ruined? Shouldn't they have expected that shit anyway?! Since they now love each other so goddamn much, can't all the humans and all the Cylons just move onto a baystar together, Brady Bunch-style? And fucking A, this increasingly tiresome gibberish about destinies and cycles and prophecies and magical unicorns riding on glittering rainbows made of dreams--what's all of this Deepak Chopra shit that's taking over what used to be the most badass sci-fi show on TV? ARGH.

Thank you for your patience.

Anyway, this looks okay. I like that Eric Stoltz is in it because I don't think he's worked since Pulp Fiction, and I was starting to get kinda worried about him. I also like the idea that the Cylons came about through people trying to cheat death--just because thematically, that's pretty great, considering where that'll eventually lead. (CYLONS KILLING EVERYONE! IRONY!) That said, I gotta admit that I was really hoping the backstory of Battlestar would explain that the Cylons really were just super advanced toasters. Like the first scene should have been Ol' Granddad Adama, with a prospector-style beard, toasting a bagel one morning and then, without warning, his toaster turns on him and burns his face off or something, and Adama would be all, "Frakking toaster... urk" and land face-down in his tub of cream cheese. And then, I don't know, some shitty cover of a Bob Dylan song would play or something, and that's how the great Toaster Wars of 2754 would start. Anyway, my point is that I should probably write for television. I have some pretty good ideas.

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