Let's face it: If you like sci-fi, you like sci-fi, which means you'll wade through a hundred Abraxas, Guardian of the Universes* in order to catch a single Blade Runner or Children of Men. Two sci-fi DVDs came out on Tuesday, and both are worth checking out for sci-fi nerds--the first one because it's batshit crazy insane and goofy and fun, and the second because well, shit, you've already watched 10 seasons' worth of Stargate SG-1, so you might as well just watch another goddamn movie of it. Trust me, once you know what a Goa'uld is, there's really no going back. You might as well just swallow your pride and roll with it.

*Full disclosure: I own a copy of Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe, and it is as magnificent as you surely imagine it to be.

Doomsday is written and directed by Neil Marshall, the same dude behind the overrated horror flick The Descent. Doomsday, I'm guessing, was supposed to be his big follow-up, and I gotta think it was something of a letdown: Doomsday didn't screen for critics, and it didn't last long in theaters, and every time I've tried to talk to somebody about it, the response has been something along the lines of "Wha-huh?"

So here's the short version: It's Mad Max + Escape from New York + Gladiator + Resident Evil, and it also prominently features one of my favorite songs from the Fine Young Cannibals. There's basically a lethal, bloody plague that that hits the U.K., and Scotland gets quarantined, which means that (of course) years later, a hot badass chick has to go in with a team of army grunts in order to rescue somebody or kill somebody or something. Ever since the quarantine, the walled-off Scotland has turned into what I can only imagine is paradise on earth for 14-year-old Hot Topic regulars: The whole anarchic place has this busted-down dystopian air of ruined buidlings and punk-rock haircuts and tattoos and sneers and cannibalism and violence and sex and fuck-the-man sentiment, and it's kind of great. As any cinephile worth his or her salt will easily predict, most of the people on the team who're sent into the zone are quickly killed off, leaving a pugnacious few to survive against the insane cannibals who now inhabit the place, etc.

What's impossible to predict, though, is just how batshit crazy Doomsday is: I'm genuinely impressed by Marshall's skill here at paying homage to pretty much every film genre he clearly likes, and as the film progresses, it turns from an action flick to a sci-fi flick to a medieval drama to a road race movie to a horror film. Even better, none of these mini-films that make up the greater whole really have anything at all to do with one another; one extended sequence features Malcolm McDowell as some sort of king who lives in a castle and commands knights on horseback, and sure, it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, but it's fucking King Malcolm McDowell ranting and raving like he's in the Middle Ages! And then in 10 minutes, there's this badass car chase involving a Bentley and some dragsters! It's schizophrenic and bizarre and gory and silly and fun, and it's exactly the sort of movie that if you paid to see in the theater you'd see people walk out of, and you might even feel a little bit pissed when you left--but as a cheap DVD rental, it's pretty hard to argue with its charms. Especially if you're drunk when you're watching it. Which I was. Moving on.

Stargate: Continuum is the latest direct-to-DVD flick starring the people from the inexplicably popular Stargate SG-1 TV show; I'd do a plot rundown, but I'll be damned if anyone gives half a shit. All you need to know is that there's more trouble for SG-1, and somehow they've managed to trick the TV series' one-time star, MacGyver, into spending a few days on the set and taking part in like two scenes. (He contributes so little to the plot that marketing has to be the only reason he's been asked back; sure enough, the DVD cover says something to the effect of "Special guest appearance by Richard Dean Anderson. Please buy me!") There's some gobbledygook about time travel, and some alternate time line wackiness, and in general, the same sort of passable writing and lighthearted tone that the TV show managed to capture in its best episodes.

Continuum is, I'll admit, pretty fun, as long as you know you're getting into something that's Stargate and not, you know, anything that'd actually be in any way intellectually engaging or original. Unlike the last, forgettable Stargate DVD movie, this one actually feels like they had a movie's budget rather than a TV show's, and there are a couple of (hurts... to... type... next... word) charming moments with SG-1's stalwart regulars Anderson, Michael Shanks, and Amanda Tapping. (Ben Browder, on the other hand--the dude they hired to act like MacGyver once MacGyver left the show--plays not only his usual character, but also his usual character's great-great-great grandfather or something. You can tell this not because Browder acts any differently--he acts exactly the same--but because when he's playing his great-great-great-grandfather or whatever, has a beard!)

Also, posthumous props to SG-1 regular Don S. Davis, who died before Continuum was released, but was a pretty great character actor--not only on SG-1 but also in Twin Peaks and The X-Files and tons of other genre stuff. His brief appearance in Continuum is kind of a downer: If SG-1 has anything that other sci-fi TV shows lack, it's some genuinely likeable characters, and they're ones who're usually genuinely likeable not because of the show's writing, but rather because of the solid character actors behind them.

MOVING ON FROM STUFF THAT'S DEPRESSING. Cleaning out my office this afternoon I found two Star Wars T-shirts sent to me as promo items from Lucasfilm. Both are size large.

Want 'em? Here's the deal: Post in the comments the best line you can think of from any of the Star Wars films that sounds inappropriate when repeated out of context. ("And I thought they smelled bad on the outside," "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought," etc.) Sometime next week I'll figure out which one's the best, and that person gets to impress everyone with some really classy Star Wars fashion. Anyway, consider this half-assed "contest" practice for awkwardly hitting on guys/girls while you're waiting in line for Clone Wars.