This Week in the Mercury
Friday, August 8, 2008
Music / Video / Media BREAKING NEWS - Terrorists Strike Against MusicFest NW!
Posted by Ezra Ace Caraeff on Fri, Aug 8, 2008 at 12:29 PM
The Mercury has a firm policy of no fat chicks never negotiating with terrorists.
But last night there was a daring kidnapping during the Willamette Week's First Thursday poster show for Musicfest NW. Their precious iconic letters, seen here in happier times, were kidnapped by armed thugs, possibly some sort of jihadist sect hellbent on the destruction of these poor letters, and possibly, America itself.
This morning we received an unmarked videotape at our offices. Assuming it was homemade pornography we eagerly played it, only to find a very disturbing video, one that shook us to our very soul. As our publication bears the weight of being the moral foundation that this city rests upon, we know that we are placed in a very difficult situation here. If we refuse to bow to the terrorists' demands and not broadcast this video, these poor letters will surely end up floating in the river. Or worse, they'll have to spend eternity ghostwriting columns of Queer Window. That is a fate we wish upon no creature on God's earth. So, with a heavy heart--(and an eye on a Pulitzer (they love this shit)--we bring you the shocking ransom video of the Musicfest letters:
The terrorists have promised to send us updates on the letter's condition as the day progresses.
God help us all.
Commenting was not available when this article was originally published.
1
Most Commented on Blogtown, PDX
-
Mandatory French Fries on Sandwiches: CONDEMN OR ALLOW? by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey
-
Win Valentine's Dinner for Two at Central by Alison Hallett
-
Let's Play the Game of
LoveThrones by Erik Henriksen -
In Which Bobby Roberts Attempts to Ruin the One Thing That Made Me Happy Today by Erik Henriksen
-
Should Portland Ban Cops From Using Horses and Pepper Spray to Bust Up Protests? by Denis C. Theriault
-
New Paris Laws Give Bikes Okay to Run Red Lights; Ooh-La-La! by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey
-
Tonight! KATU Wants Everyone to Be Afraid of Marauding Crazy People! by Denis C. Theriault
-
"I Have Chickens Too!" by Alison Hallett
-
CAT BREADING UPDATE: Which Mercury Employee Succumbed to the Pressure? by Bobby Roberts
-
THE ROCK IN 2012 by Erik Henriksen
Our Friends
- UrbanHonking
- Culture Shock
- Portland Roundball Society
- Steph Cassano
- Cort and Fatboy
- Street Roots
- Powell's Books Blog
- Portland Transport
- Portland Afoot
- Bike Portland
- Eater: PDX
- Portland Food and Drink
- Mr. Movie
- Sunday Softball
- BlueOregon
- Sightline Institute
- Ultra: Arts Portland
- Bitch Magazine
- Blazer's Edge
- Reading Local: Portland
- Portland Food Carts
- Stumptown Vegans
Our Enemies
The Handyman Pro - Your Honey-Do Specialist
Don’t let our name fool you. The Handyman Pro, LLC is a repair and remodel service provider with over 25-years experience. We cover all aspects of construction and repairs for residential and commercial clients.
About Portland Mercury
RSSGoing to Seattle?
Comments (3) RSS