
When it comes to DVDs, Criterion is pretty unfuckwithable--no other company seems to care quite as much about the films they release as Criterion does, and they always do an incredible job when assembling their releases, regardless of whether the auteur behind the film is Bergman or Bay. (My personal favorites out of the Criterion releases are Rushmore, the Beastie Boys Video Anthology, and Rebel Samurai: Sixties Swordplay Classics.)
And Criterion's now even better: They've just launched an "online cinematheque*," where you can rent selected Criterion releases for $5, watch said film as many times as you want during a week, and then--if you decide to buy the film--apply that $5 to the cost of the film's purchase. Not a bad deal at all if you're on the fence about picking up one of the film's they've currently got available for rent. And since they promise more films will be added to the virtual cinematheque, this could turn into a really great resource for watching hard-to-find films.
More info is here (watch the video--the relevant info all comes across in first minute or minute and a half), and you can see what films are currently available online here.
Via Dark Horizons. Image from 1940's The Thief of Bagdad.
*"Cinematheque" is pretentious movie snob-ese for "movie theater."
Katu ran a story on David Yandell, who was featured in my In The Shadows column last week.

I got sucked into 24 shortly after the DVDs of the first season came out, at which point my then-girlfriend and I devoured those episodes in a period that we realized--sometime around hour six or seven, and with a combination of guilt and elation--more or less echoed the real time gimmick of the show. When 24's good, there are few shows that're more addictive; unfortunately, 24 is rarely that good. Frankly, I've tuned out over the past few seasons, and it took 24: Redemption--a TV movie/prequel to the seventh season, that aired on Sunday and came out on DVD on Tuesday--to lure me back in. Did Redemption rekindle my love of watching Jack Bauer shoot terrorists and piss off dumbshit bureaucrats?

Live from the Rose Garden as the Portland Trail Blazers take on the New Orleans Hornets in a 5-on-5 basketball contest--most points wins!
Portland is attempting to remain unbeaten for the season inside the 503, while New Orleans is trying to make their mark as the best sports franchise to ever wear those hideous teal uniforms. My apologies, San Jose Sharks. Could tonight's game mark Travis Outlaw's final game ever in the Rose Garden? What about Sergio Rodriguez, are his days as Rudy Fernandez's BFF numbered here in Portland? Since my illegal wiretap on Kevin Pritchard's cell was deemed "highly illegal," I have no clue.
Couple things.
1. The America's Test Kitchen Family Baking Book was totally right on when it informed me that pouring warm pumpkin pie filling into a warm crust would make for a creamier pie, and subbing vodka for some of the water in the crust does in fact make it flakier. Who knew. ATK's Jack Bishop will be at the Cedar Hills Powell's next Wednesday, 7 pm.
2. Tonight at the Miracle Theater, sketch comedy troupe the 3rd Floor opens their new holiday show, Weird Sandwich. I guarantee you it's going to sell out, so get there early or call 281-0350 for reservations. The 3rd Floor is funny; laughter is slimming.
3. Tomorow at Holocene , Cartune Xprez's DVD release party. Animations from Bruce Bickford, Takeshi Murata, Paper Rad, and more, plus music from Hooliganship, Mega*Church, and Explode into Colors. 9 pm, $6
4. Rather identifying with this cat today:
I don't care how hot the Blazers are right now--from here on out, I'm only watching Thai combat-basketball.
Here's the trailer for the excellent-looking Fireball, which as Twitch rightly points out, "looks as though people probably got hurt quite badly while making it." Really, that's all I ask for when it comes to sports movies.
Thanks Ezra!
Do it in the comments section! Extra points if your caption includes something about leftovers or shopping!

Designed by a crazed man named Will for his daughters fourth birthday, the following cake is one of the most amazing things I've ever seen. It's a game geeks sugary dream. Created from rice krispy treats, cake, fondant, fiber optics and more technological prowess than I could ever dream of, the damn thing is actually edible. Watch the following video with a friend so that you can help each other pick your jaws up off the floor.
All the details can be found on Will's website. It's an amazing read, to say the least.

Thanks to your generous donations to the Mercury Blogtown Flash Food Drive, I was able to stuff my car with 365 pounds of food on Wednesday evening and drive it to the Oregon Food Bank headquarters.
I was so excited to discover that Blogtownies are generous-hearted and giving. I mean, I thought that was was the case, but you all proved it to me over the last five days! I'm sure that if I had extended the deadline, I would have needed to rent that van.
But the generosity isn't over! Consider the five day Food Drive a practice exercise for the Mercury On-Line Charity Auction! We'll be auctioning off some amazing gift packages from friends and advertisers, which include goods and service that you not only want, but need. My favorite package includes a whole bunch of hooch, a keg, some glassware, and a mixology class from Mercury friend and celebrity bartender, Lance Mayhew!
Be still my beating heart!
In a quasi-homage to Black Friday, I'd like to share with you a beautiful editorial by the kickass Minh Tran, in which Andrea does some shopping of her own at local retailers Cameron's Books, Stark's Vacuums, Sunlan Lighting, Inc., Mercado Don Pancho, and Don Pancho Taqueria, all the while wearing the designs of PDXers Frocky Jack Morgan, Holly Stalder, Linea, Leanne Marshall, and IDOM. Hair and makeup by Anna Webber.


Click over to MOD for the whole thing.
As seen in the aisle at Safeway:

Don't forget, you can submit your own photos to the Mercury photo lottery.
The latest horsies to join the Lucky Madison stable, World's Greatest Ghosts have just recorded a set for the fine upstanding auteurs at The Penny Jam.
So, what exotic location was this video recorded at? Underwater submarine? Atop the St. Johns Bridge? Next to the bumper pool table in Greg Oden's rumpus room? Nope, none of those place (although, Pennyjam people, feel free to use any of my brilliant ideas), instead the band performed at the Matrix Networks, a company with slogan of: "The technology guys on your side."
After their set, the band gathered around the Matrix's email servers and proceeded to read all your emails. Yes, all of them. You should be ashamed for some of the things you write.
End Hits: We really enjoy the term "rumpus room"
Attention all geeks, nerds and Poindexters who still argue over who is faster, "Superman or the Flash." One of the greatest arguments of all time has been settled. Now, via this hilarious video, you can finally find out who would win in an intergalactic war: the crew of Star Trek: Next Generation or Darth Vader from Star Wars.
HEY, STOP SCOFFING! THIS SHIT IS IMPORTANT.
Besides, who ever thought that you'd be rooting for Darth Vader? Enterprise, two nerdgasms to beam up!
A few weeks ago at a party, we were all standing around in the kitchen, awkwardly introducing ourselves and talking about our jobs. Then a guy named Todd spoke up. "I'm a lab tech for Empire Labs," he said. "What's that?" I asked. "We sell kits that allow anyone to make a rubber mold of their genitalia." And from there the conversation took a whole new turn.
Turns out the hilarious penis-casting kit Clone-A-Willy is a locally made product! Be proud! Down in the SE industrial district, in the same building where it's rumored Wheaties were originally made, 15 people work in the Clone-A-Willy factory. I knew I had to take a tour. Todd happily obliged.
Todd's a funny guy. For four years he's worked customer service for Clone-A-Willy - it's his job to answer all the emails and phone calls from people who encounter problems in the process of making an exact rubber replica of their penis (read some of the more hilarious emails at the end of the post). Here he holds the **secret patented molding compounds** which the guy who founded the company developed as part of his chemistry PhD thesis.

It's also Todd's job to frequently test the product. He hangs out in the warehouse, music blasting, taking elaborate molds of pretty much every part of his body.

In his office is small a finger garden:
Just as you'd imagine, the Clone-A-Willy factory is lined to the ceiling with cardboard boxes full of oddly-named sex toys.

"Who buys all this stuff?!" I asked, admiring a product called "Dazzling Dolphin." Todd laughed. "We sell about 10,000 Clone-A-Willies a month," he said, "We are HUGE in Sweden." Their biggest buyers are all Scandinavian -- instead of being relegated to weird novelty sex stores, in Sweden Clone-A-Willies are sold from a Sears-style establishment. So that's how you keep local business robust during economic downturn.
Here in the U.S., they sell a lot to truckers and army guys, people who are away from their partners for a long time. And, of course, there's the odd bulk buys. "Last year, we sold a case of 24 to an ultimate frisbee team," says Todd. And, the dick featured in full lush color on their box is an actual frequent customer.
The big news in novelty dildo products is that their wares are now legal in Texas. According to Todd, vibrators were illegal in the Lone Star State until earlier this year.
So how's the whole casting a replica dildo thing work? To find out, we rilfed through all the produce at New Seasons to find the most phallic vegetable. This incredibly penis-like yam became our test subject:
Making your own yam dildo - below the cut!
(Since I have to play a fuckton of games on a daily basis and the Mercury has a limited amount of review space, a lot of games fall through the cracks. Consider this my (hopefully weekly) attempt at covering as many of these titles as possible. I'll mostly be choosing stuff that I've been enjoying recently, but if there is anything you want me to specifically review, let me know and I'll try to make it happen.)

Super Street Fighter II Turbo HD Remix -- $15 -- Xbox 360, PlayStation 3 (Downloadable Content)
Do I really need to repeat myself?
Without any hyperbole, this game is my new favorite competitive multiplayer title on any system. I'd even go so far as to say it's the best 2-D fighter of the last decade, though I need a few more days with the game before I offer it that kind of verbal cunnilingus.
Verdict: Unless you're an asshole, you must buy this game. You aren't an asshole, are you?
I just wanted an excuse to post this picture again.
And here's a tune from the Kinks' Ray Davies, who is surprisingly good at writing holiday songs.
LISTEN:
Ray Davies - "Thanksgiving Day"

Live from the Rose Garden as the Porland Trail Blazers meet the fiery flames of the Miami Heat. It's gonna be hot. Like Backdraft, but hotter. If that is even possible.
The Blazers looked terrible Monday night against Sacramento, but these days when the team looks terrible, they still find a way to win. Miami, meanwhile, is playing way below their expeditions, but as long as they have Dwayne "Crying in a Wheelchair" Wade, they are a threat.
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog... back with the wizard he made fun of in his infamous Star Wars sketch? Too good to be true, right? And yet: HERE IT IS.
Turns out that the wizard, who insists on calling himself "Blackwolf," is a huge fan of the goblin-y death metal group Lordi. When he found out that Lordi was going to appear on Conan, he demanded that Triumph introduce him--and Triumph, who knows a ridiculous deal when he sees one, kindly obliged. Without further ado.
Anon!
Via FilmDrunk.
(Welcome to my lackadaisically updated blog column Two Page Minimum, wherein I take a new book out for drinks, and give it a few minutes to grab my attention. Two Page Minimum is my judgment on that speed-dating experience.)
Who's your date today?
Joe Meno's short story collection Demons in the Spring.
Where did you go?
I hit the Aalto's solid happy hour for a $3 pint of Terminal Gravity IPA, and an oozy and delicious goat cheese and tomato panini, $4.
What's your first impression?
Demons is a beautiful book with an embossed cloth cover and a prominent back blurb from Dave Eggers—he calls it a "rich, unforgettable stew of a book." (It should also be noted here that some of the author's proceeds go to benefit 826CHICAGO, an offshoot of the tutoring nonprofit Eggers founded.) Each story is illustrated by a different artist, including Charles Burns, Todd Baxter, and Paul Hornschemeir. It's a very, very attractive package.
Is there a representative quote?
At work, you make paper airplanes. For these airplanes you have a number of names: the two-spinner, which flies in two complete circles before its inevitable crash; the submarine plane, which goes underwater; the perpetual drifter, a plane you have devised which, through aerial locomotion, can stay airborne forever. We make two of each of these and send them out the office window, watching them take to the air, wing in wing, disappearing over the city. When they crash, giving in to the luxury of gravity, I think of kissing you and know that it is exactly how it would feel.
Will you two end up in bed together?
Nah. I'm about full up on stories that are fraught with the tremulous strangeness of the everyday. (Is this all Aimee Bender's fault?) Meno's writing struck me as too polished, too proficient, all carefully mastered style and little substance. The illustrations are the best part of this book: For a story about a little girl who insists on dressing as a ghost every day, Charles Burnes contributed a fantastically evocative drawing of an ominously draped sheet, while Geoff McFetridge's drawing for the interoffice love story excerpted above consists of simple, effective line drawings of a man and woman drawing one another. This book is absolutely gorgeous to look at, but the actual writing is far less compelling.
Check out this happy food train that's about to make its way to the Oregon Food Bank:

And just in time, too: thanks to the global economic collapse, etc., need for food has increased by 40 percent this year in some parts of the state. Yikes. Come by and drop your donation off by 4:30PM to receive a slew of great prizes and some really great karma.
Thanks so much to everyone who's donated - you guys are awesome and you made Patrick cry (just a little. No, seriously, it happened and it was pretty cute). Special HUGE thanks to readers Jesse and Monica, who came by earlier today with more food than they could haul up the stairs themselves and New Deal Vodka who dropped off two boxes for the food bank plus two bottles of vodka not for the food bank.

This time last year, almost to the very day, I was in the building pictured above. And while today's tragedy in India is quite horrifying, the (possible) destruction of the Taj Hotel in Mumbai is hard to ignore. Located at the historic Gateway of India, legend has it that the hotel's founder Jamsetji Tata built the hotel as a reaction to being snubbed for the color of his skin:
From The Independent:
At the time, the best hotels in Bombay were run by the British - and did not accept Indian guests. Legend has it that Jamsetji decided to build a hotel when, already a seriously wealthy man, he was refused entry to a local hotel where whites far less rich were lording it over him because of the colour of his skin. Jamsetji decided he would own the best hotel in India - and it would be open to Indians.
The result was the Taj. Which, before it was attacked, was a majestic sight that looked like this:

So I take back everything even remotely nice that I ever said about The Clone Wars. Last weekend's episode was an excruciating 20-minute-long endurance test in which C-3PO and Jar Jar Binks formed an unholy alliance with the single-minded goal of annoying the shit out of anyone unfortunate enough to be watching. The following image is from this episode.

This image is haunting. There is no other word for it.
Moving on too less depressing, yet still incredibly geeky, matters:

Yes! That's the appropriately named Star Wars Shop (the "largest Star Wars and G.I. Joe store on the West Coast!!!"), which is located in the bustling metropolis of downtown Milwaukie, Oregon, on SE 21st between Washington and Jefferson. Before Monday, I had no idea it existed--let alone of its mystical power to heal the pain caused by 20 solid minutes of Jar Jar/3PO hijinx. Indeed, Star Wars Shop is a place of beautiful wonders.
Speaking of white privilege, this week I wrote an article for the news section about how the people hardest hit by the foreclosure crisis in Portland have so far been African American and elderly people.
There was a big forum last weekend at the PCC on Killingsworth addressing the fact that North Portlanders are losing their homes (and the situation looks like it will get worse) and a couple people there pinned the racial disparity on cultural issues: African Americans in that neighborhood tend not to trust banks, thanks to a long history of discrimination, so they don't call their lenders and try to work something out until they're way buried in debt.
But it's not just cultural. A year ago, when no one really cared about mortgage foreclosure, the Oregon Center for Public Policy in-depth study on subprime lending and found that in Oregon, black and Hispanic borrowers were twice as likely to get a subprime loan as whites of the same income level. They looked at Washington Mutual, specifically, and found a significant, racially-skewed pattern of loans.
That doesn't mean WaMu is racist. Loans from WaMu's big main banks were actually pretty good -- only 1 out of 28 loans were subprime. But WaMu makes a lot of its loans through smaller sort of franchise mortgage companies (the kind of mortgage storefront you'd see in a strip mall or somewhere) and those were really awful. At one of those smaller, WaMu-backed companies OCPP investigated, Long Beach Mortgage, 9 out of 10 loans were subprime.
That means, irregardless of race, if you walked into a Long Beach Mortgage to get a loan, you were pretty much screwed. But black and Latino people tended to walk in there much more than whites: 63 percent of African American customers and 74 percent of Latinos got their loans through Long Beach, while only 17 percent of whites did.
Why this happens? That's below the cut.
The day after tomorrow is Black Friday, but there's really no telling how black retailers books will get. With spending down and an abysmal economy, it will be interesting to see just how crammed those parking lots will be at 6am.
Let's travel back in time with YouTube, to a more optimistic America, when the future held financial possibility, every Christmas was merry and bright, and Nintendo 64 was king. I know this is a moldy oldy in terms of viral video, but I have a made it a holiday tradition--much like watching A Christmas Story on Thanksgiving Day. Plus, it's gained new relevance in my life, as I suspect I see something of a young Earnest "Nex" Cavalli in this exited young man. Let's roll the tape.
If only my wife Kitty would have this reaction about the coal I keep putting in her stocking every year. I mean, hey, fossil fuels aint cheap!
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