If, like me, you're not going to be drinking tonight to celebrate the coronation of Barack Obama, the chances are, you might want an alternative means of marking the occasion. I went up to Rich's Cigars on SW Alder to ask the cigar guy, Karsten X (he didn't want to give his last name, but I think 'X' is the perfect last name for a man giving advice on cigars) what he'd recommend as a "victory cigar," for this evening. Here are your options:

Clockwise from top left:

1.The it'll do the job cigar: Romeo Y Julieta Reserva Real, $5.90 each. "A nice, light, consistent cigar," he says. Consistent means "you don't puff on it once and get a lot of spice, then the next puff, no spice."

2.The dark and mysterious cigar: A Fuente 8-5-8, $4.95 each. "A good one for red wine or after a meal," he says. Or after an election, presumably.

3.The ladies' choice cigar: CAO Petit Corona, $3.50 each. "One of our only flavored cigars, this is flavored with pure Madagascar Vanilla and rolled with pipe tobacco," he says. It's technically a "ladies" cigar, although there's nothing against ladies smoking the others...personally I think ladies should smoke big cigars just like the insecure men do.

4.The really fucking expensive daddy cigar: Graycliff, $20.50 each. "The owner of the Graycliff hotel in the Bahamas came from Cuba, he has his own wine, his own chocolate. This is a full-bodied cigar, rich in flavor, great with steak, red wine and scotch," he says.

Thanks, Karsten X! Personally I went for this one: it's a Romeo Y Julieta in a metal case, an inch longer than the Reserva Reals, (remember what Freud said about a cigar just being a cigar? It was nonsense...) at $7.70 each:

Now, go make like Red Auerbach.