A-ha: It seems there's some talk of moving to the suburbs this year...

From:
Date: November 19, 2008 11:07:29 AM PST
To: lovenotes@portlandmercury.com
Subject: Santacon 2008 - Theme: Explore the Unknown!

Yes, we really actually are doing it! At long last, the poor wretches
from the outer unexplored wastelands of Suburbia are going to get Xmas
cheer! And Xmas presents! And Xmas hangovers! And Xmas
we-had-to-call-a-divorce-
lawyer-on-Monday!

Why, oh mighty Flying Spaghetti Monster, WHY? Simple: We want to.

There are many reasons to start (we never said that was where we
planned to remain. Trust Santa) at the place we have scheduled,
despite the fact that we may not speak the language, our shots may not
be up to date and our passports will be likely eaten by goats when we
try to return to civilization. What are these reasons, you may ask?

1) Strip clubs. Have you been to one downtown lately? The only clubs
remaining have a capacity under 75 people (which means 175 Santas,
naturally, as Santa can be stacked on top of Santa). Even if we fill
every single actual booze-serving strip club in downtown, we can only
put at the most, 1/3 of Santa in them at once. Suburban strip clubs
are huge! We can settle in and make our own nations in them. Hail,
Boobtopia! Secession from the oppressive homeland!

2) Cops. Ok, we have only four rules at Santacon. Just four. Four tiny
rules, and last year a few hundred Santas broke them. The thing is,
our following those four tiny rules is what kept the cops off our
backs the last decade or so, and this year they are pissed. As in
"riot patrol, taser-to-the-nutsack" pissed. On top of that, Zombiewalk
just sort of pissed them off more a couple weeks ago and they have not
had time to cool off yet. Would they arrest us for being rowdy this
year? Unlikely. Would they shoot us in the kneecaps for giving them
backtalk? Well, just a few of us. But the main issue is that they can
simply stop us from having fun. Make us stand around sober a while.
Ticket us for minor stuff like drinking in public or jaywalking. Make
it, in other words, suck. The burbs are no where near as seasoned at
buzzkilling huge groups as downtown PDX cops.

3) Freakouts! Face it, Santa shocked the HELL out of people downtown
in 1996. And really weirded them out in 2000. And sort of made them
ponder in 2004. Now? Santa is as common a sight downtown as homeless
guys peeing through open car windows. The burbs, however, are
chock-full of people who only interact with the outside world through
television and trolling for pedophiles on AOL. These fragile minds are
ripe for the twisting. They may even bake us cookies if we sing
carols!

4) Cars! Burbs have less traffic, should we want to close off a side
street and set up a Slip -N- Slide. Or walk down the street without
being squished. Or park cars even (and as an added bonus, cars can be
parked in the burbs for many days without being ticketed, towed or
having homeless guys pee through the window. Downtown? Move it or lose
it, and a tow can cost $400!) Carpool with a sober person, arrange for
a pick up later, or carry a bus ticket stapled to your nipple. Santa
promises that at the end of the night, wherever it winds up, you will
be within the Tri-Met service area and at least two bus lines back
toward civilization (or at least a transit center).

5) Lastly, lots of people are worried about a lack of a bar twenty
feet or less from the gathering point. Santa says don't be such a
pussy. Trust Santa.

Old-school Santas may want to start at the small splinter groups (NONE
WILL START DOWNTOWN, so please stop asking) in the SE area, far east
area, north Portland area, Mostly South and slightly Westerly area and
potentially one more. These splinters will be small (20-30 Santii) but
will join back up with the horde in short order. You should know
fellow Cacos in those areas so we won't put up contact info. Call
around until you hit paydirt. Each small starting splinter will have a
phone number that we will give out a few days ahead of time to the
local coordinator to pass out to you. That number will be a recording
with the start point (and probably the second or even third stops) for
that particular splinter. It will go live no earlier than 10am on the
6th. It's not us trying to be snobs, just trying to keep the main
group's numbers managable for the first chunk of the day. We promise
the splinters will not miss out on much, and will make up for it
through some strange planned activity. But when you meet back up with
the horde, feel free to lie your ass off about all the amazing things
you splinters got to do, like fly a fighter jet and see an identical
twin sex show and learn to speak Gaelic.

Everyone else should plan to meet up with the wranglers at the spot we
have been announcing all over the web for a month. If you value
massive over silly, start here. If you can't find it yourself, tough.
With the old-schoolers meeting up somewhat later, we should be able to
handle the needs of 400-600 Santas for a few hours. No, you will not
remain at the same place you will be starting. No, we will not rely on
TriMet to move the entire horde en masse. No, we will not tell you the
schedule so you can catch up later (get a Santa's cell phone number or
something). Yes, there will be the Three Bs (Booze, Boobs and B. . . B
. . . um, Breindeer Games). Wear comfy shoes, bring SMALL BILLS to pay
for drinks at bars ('cause credit cards piss everyone off, and $20s
just mean an $15 tip if you buy a $5 drink with them) and have your
emergency contact phone number written on your arm. Then follow the
red blur in front of you.

(a note on the comfy shoes: we still somehow managed to keep it
Deathmarch-free this year, but there is still a bunch of walking over
the 12 hours. No way around that. Since we won't be downtown, the
wussy "hop a bus home for an hour to change shoes" concept won't work
as well.)

(ANOTHER note: if you bring a sleigh, plan to move it yourlself.
People we can handle, shopping carts you are on your own. And if you
try to push it the entire way you will last . . . about 20 minutes.
Best to leave it home this year.)