I get the feeling that for some reason most of my acquaintances are convinced they could do my job better than I do (I like to think it's because I make it look easy). Now there's a chance for all you haters to put your money where your silent judging is, and bid now on our "Jumpstart Your Writing Career" package, which gives you the chance to swap jobs with a Mercury writer for a day. (Watch cat videos with me; Google "cock-shaped food" with Patrick; obsessively rearrange Battlestar Galactica action figures with Erik.) The package also includes lunch with NY Times-bestselling author Chelsea Caine and Mercury Editor-in-Chief Wm. Steven Humphrey; a one-year membership to the Independent Publishing Resource Center; and a $50 gift certificate to Amnesia Brewing, which should be sufficient to induce the state of low-level hangover* in which so much of the Mercury's content is produced.

And while you're flaunting your writing skills, Powell's is running a few contests where you can't buy your way to victory: Name their new squirrel logo and win a $100 gift card, or make a compelling case for your favorite word in the English language, and win the complete Oxford English Dictory, all twenty volumes of it. Now is a great time to support Powell's: The AP reported yesterday that Powell's is asking their employees to voluntarily scale back on hours and take unpaid sabbaticals because sales have been so weak. Between this and In Other Words, everyone I know is getting books for Christmas. Powell's is one of the greatest things about this city, hands down. There's only one way to ensure that it stays viable, and that's to spend your money there. You know this as well as I do, so go do it.

*Current hangover the aftermath of soul night at Rotture; a hipster cesspool, yes, and the short drunk girl who barreled into me in the drink line with nary an "excuse me" has no idea how close she came to getting smacked, but Beyonda's record collection is unfuckwithable and the dance floor was great practice for the Mercury girl date auction item, which I think is currently going for about $5 a girl. We are fun and we like to drink. Buy it for a single friend: hell, I'll even throw in some personalized assistance (note: NOT A EUPHEMISM) composing the Lovelab dating profile that's included in the package.