This Week in the Mercury

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Running Up That Hill

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I Love Television™


I Love Television™

The Year in "JUST SHUT UP"

Monday, January 5, 2009

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Jan 5, 2009 at 9:23 AM

Israel says, "Screw YOU, peace efforts!" as the invasion into Gaza continues.

Turns out that Apple's Steve Jobs is NOT dying, but merely suffering from a "hormone imbalance"— a rather common malady among 13-year-old nerds.

is back from vacation and pushing for a $500 individual tax break for the middle class. Flat screen TV? Here I come! (Expect a not entirely optimistic Obama speech on the economy Thursday.)

An autopsy will be performed on John Travolta's 16-year-old son who died suddenly over the weekend.

Tom Cruise claims that Scientology helped him overcome dyslexia. (Actually, the church just purchased an entire new library for Tom in which all the words are printed backwards.)

Things are not looking good for Minnesota Republican Norm Coleman; the Supreme Court has denied his request to count rejected absentee ballots, and challenger Al Franken leads by 225 votes.

Besides, Norm Coleman never had a chance. For proof, check out this clip from the '80s show Solid Gold in which Al Franken performs a fairly dead-on and hilarious impersonation of Mick Jagger.

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