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Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Jan 14, 2009 at 9:03 AM

Stocks tumble after the government reports that retail sales SUCKED in December. Retailers respond, "No 'S', Herlock!"

In more optimistic economic news, a co-ed is selling her virginity and the bid is already up to $3.7 million. You hear that, automakers? BEND OVER.

In less optimistic sexism news, a senior Saudi cleric has given the okay for 10-year-old girls to marry, adding that anyone who opposes the idea is doing the girls an injustice. WOW. At least the priests in our country keep their pedophilia to themselves.

In more optimistic child abuse news, police have taken 3-year-old Adolf Hitler Campbell away from his parents.

Osama bin Laden broadcasted his latest message (urging Muslims to wage a holy war against Israel) and then spun a few tunes from his vinyl collection of female Broadway stars of the '50s.

PETA wants to rename fish "sea kittens." Seriously. Just ignore them.

Newsweek: "Upper Classes are More Likely to Commit Suicide During Recession." Happy days are here again!

It was the season premiere of American Idol last night, and while a blind guy made it to Hollywood—who cares about a uggo blind person? Check out this hot chick in a bikini who passed with flying colors even though she sings like someone's strangling a kitten! Idol, I'm glad to see you're maintaining your priorities!

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