It's time to stop whining about whether Sam Adams should resign or not resign for his flagrant and self-centered lies. For I HAVE SOLVED THE PROBLEM. What we need to do is to accept Sam's apology, and punish him with a PHYSICAL HUMILIATION. Nothing violent, or life-threatening—just something that will show him how disappointed we are, and that he will NEVER, NEVER FORGET. Then, we can shake our finger at him and say, "That's what ya get! Now… get your ass back to work." Trust me, this works great at the Mercury office, and I'M ABSOLUTELY SERIOUS ABOUT THIS. Let's make Sam do a public humiliation, and then put this bullshit behind us. For example?
• PUT HIM IN THE STOCKADE. That's kicking it old-school! For his sins, Sam will spend an entire afternoon in some old-timey 16th century stockades in the middle of Pioneer Courthouse Square. If a kid tosses a tomato his way? Well, maybe next time he won't be such a fucking liar.
• A WEEK OF PANTSING. For an entire week, he has to wear a baggy pair of gym pants, and walk around town during lunch hour. If you see him? You get to pants him—WITH NO RETRIBUTION! Consider his debt paid in full.
• RUN THE BELT LINE. They actually did this back when I was at Boy Scout camp. Line up two rows of ten people facing each other, who are holding their belts. Sam runs through the line as each person swings their belt at his ass. Boy Scouts had a lot of sexy fun like that.
• MAKE HIM SLEEP WITH A WOMAN. Just kidding. Ooh! An old woman!
• EGG FIRING SQUAD. Blindfold Sam, put him up against a wall at the courthouse and allow every person who he's actually hurt (not just hurt their feelings—like me) with his lies to pelt him with an egg. Naturally this will run live on all local networks.
• RIDE A TINY HORSE DOWN THE ENTIRETY OF BURNSIDE WHILE PEOPLE LINE THE STREETS AND YELL "BOOOOOOOOO!" Make that a squeaky wheeled tricycle. I don't want to hurt the feelings of the horse.
Thank you for accepting this as "the best idea ever" and the only "real solution" to our city's biggest (and most annoying) problem. IN SHORT: I'm completely, 100% percent serious about this, and Sam? Don't resign. We're not going to let you off that easy.
(Your further suggestions for public humiliations in the comments below, please.)
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