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Thursday, January 29, 2009

Food Can We Be Done With Bacon, Please?

Posted by Patrick Alan Coleman on Thu, Jan 29, 2009 at 5:12 PM

187c/1233277637-no_bacon.jpg

I like bacon as much as the next guy. I get it: it's a bit ironic, it's fatty, it's comforting, it's delicious. But for the love of God, people, enough is fucking enough!

If I never see another bacon-laden appetizer, I wont be sad. If I never hear the word bacon in conjunction with dessert, I wont weep. I mean, c'mon, bacon jumped the shark when it was infused in bourbon. And I LIKE bourbon AND bacon... But can we please just stop now?

Oh, I guess not:

To pay homage to their favorite pork product and win golden piggy trophies, 32 competitors showed up with tin-foiled pans of their beloved "meat candy" dishes, ready to impress, boast and barter.

Entries included "Bac-lava" (buttery baklava layered with dates and bacon), "B'oars" (s'mores topped with bacon), and "Twice-the-Vice" brownies with double the original recipe's bourbon and bacon. Also for the nibbling were bacon sushi, bacon chipotle dip, bacon pancake sandwiches and bacon-stuffed glazed doughnuts oozing with mascarpone cheese.

Yaaaaaargh!!! Where was this happening? Why, right downtown in Davis Street Tavern at the Masterbacon (gag) cook-off!

Hey, Portland? We're creative folks. Lets start a new trend! Lets come up with a new ingredient and run it into the ground with our whimsy and cleverness. I'm open for suggestions. How bout a vegetable this time? How about rutabagas? Huh? Rutabagas are ironic! It's even fun to say... C'mon, try it... Rutabaga... See? No?

"I'd like to think of ourselves more like bacon prophets than bacon evangelists," Kveton, 35, says of himself and his business partner, Jason Glaspey, who together launched their all-things-bacon Web site, bacn.com, that very morning.

The pair isn't the only certifiable bacon fanatics. A guy sitting at the bar wears a cape with a homemade bacon patch. One competitor cures his own bacon. Another man, in a black muscle shirt, hasn't entered the cookoff but is sizing up the competition for next year. He's got a strip of bacon tattooed around his bicep.

Do you see what's happening here? It's madness. Simple madness. But I know we can pull it together, Portland. I know we're better than this. Now get in there and make me some rutabaga wrapped dates or something. Anything... Just stop with the bacon already.

 

Comments (44) RSS

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1
Did you contribute the bacon chocolate bar for the gift swap at the holiday party this year (delish btw!)? 'coz that would make sense, but it'd also make sense if it's the sort of thing you wouldn't have done because it's too hip...

Personally what I would love to see would be a quick trend in 2009 with pate. Duck, chicken, turkey, in ice cream, candied caramels, and in more sandwiches! Nom!

Maybe lobster? Trendy AND recession friendly!
Posted by Michelle on January 29, 2009 at 5:19 PM · Report
3
Why didn't you just post a blog about hating puppies?

BECAUSE IT'S THE EXACT SAME THING.
Posted by kiala on January 29, 2009 at 5:25 PM · Report
4
I think the natural extension would be puppies wrapped in bacon.
Posted by Michelle on January 29, 2009 at 5:26 PM · Report
5
"Everything should taste like bacon"

baconsalt.com
Posted by Amanda Bandana on January 29, 2009 at 5:40 PM · Report
6
look, i will stop reading your blog/column if you keep writing this way
Posted by miguelaron on January 29, 2009 at 5:55 PM · Report
7
I made a bacon sundae. It was horrible.
Posted by blairmastbaum on January 29, 2009 at 6:14 PM · Report
8
There's already a horrifically unfunny blog about rutabagas. It was featured in one of those 'The Oregonian has just noticed that there's blogs' type features. I'd link to it, but Why, y'know?
Posted by rich bachelor on January 29, 2009 at 6:55 PM · Report
9
@ migueleron

I'm sorry you're suffering the misconception that I write these posts. I actually type key words into the Mercury blog/column generator and post/publish the results. But your concerns have been noted.
Posted by Patrick A. Coleman on January 29, 2009 at 8:16 PM · Report
10
Yaaaaaargh!!! Where was this happening? Why, right downtown in Davis Street Tavern at the Masterbacon (gag) cook-off!

That is the most unfortunately named event ever.

And thank you, Patrick. This had to be said.

I fell off the bacon-worshiping bandwagon when, in a Jack in the Box commercial, some fellow lamented "Why won't anyone make a bacon-flavored latte?!?!"

I just about plotzed right there.
Posted by Samuel John Klein on January 29, 2009 at 8:19 PM · Report
11
Yeah, yeah. Bacon is a pretty easy target the day after the bacon explosion made its rounds on the Internet. I get it. Everybody is a little worn out.

But bacon tastes good. And Masterbacon was awesome (I should know, I organized it). You know what's worse? Try this on for size; Portland is the Bacon Capital of the World. Ha. Its been said on the Internet (technically the Portland Mercury Blog is breaking it right here) so now its true. Now just try to stop it.

PS - Masterbacon has morphed into BaconCamp: http://baconcamp.org ... guess what? Its going to happen in every city in the world. Just try and stop it!!!! Put that in your rutabaga and smoke it!

(this is all of course said in fun ... except the Bacon Capital of the World shit ... that's goin' on a t-shirt and its mine!!)
Posted by kveton on January 29, 2009 at 9:30 PM · Report
12
I expected better from you, Mercury. First the Oregonian loses all credibility, now you?
Posted by metroknow on January 29, 2009 at 9:37 PM · Report
13
PS - Masterbacon has morphed into BaconCamp: http://baconcamp.org ... guess what? Its going to happen in every city in the world. Just try and stop it!!!! Put that in your rutabaga and smoke it!

I suppose next we're going to have Bacon Camp for Girls.

Oy.
Posted by Samuel John Klein on January 29, 2009 at 9:47 PM · Report
14
Seriously... fill in the fucking template for your McWebpage before spamming this all over, kveton.
Posted by A cat on January 29, 2009 at 9:59 PM · Report
15
A cat - it sucks you can't get laid, we all feel bad for you. Here's a bacon toast to you getting some this year and breaking your 7 year drought!
Posted by ripvanwinklin on January 29, 2009 at 10:30 PM · Report
16
Your mom.
Posted by A cat on January 29, 2009 at 10:44 PM · Report
17
I'm with A cat. FrontPage spells fail. Learn some HTML or something.
Posted by Graham on January 29, 2009 at 11:12 PM · Report
18
LOL ... DNS hasn't propagated ... try http://www.baconcamp.org ... and a little less 'tude.
Posted by kveton on January 29, 2009 at 11:16 PM · Report
19
Fuck you.
Posted by A cat on January 29, 2009 at 11:21 PM · Report
20
Hey, thanks for the writeup! I never would have known about Masterbacon otherwise. Bacon rules, and there's no such thing as bad pub!
Posted by capnkirk on January 29, 2009 at 11:31 PM · Report
21
FYI - you're just like the folks who protest the new titty bar or smut shop - we never would have know about it otherwise. Thanks again!
Posted by capnkirk on January 29, 2009 at 11:34 PM · Report
22
Fuck you, also, capnkirk. Assign yourself an icon or GTFO. You people make me sick.
Posted by A cat on January 29, 2009 at 11:35 PM · Report
23
Take that, jackass.
Posted by capnkirk on January 29, 2009 at 11:44 PM · Report
24
Glad to see that you're going to be a productive poster. Enjoy your stay, fuckface.
Posted by A cat on January 29, 2009 at 11:47 PM · Report
25
What? A bunch of pussies that are whining about the aesthetic merits of a Wiki page? I hope you get crabs.

You've been Bacn'ed, Bitch! http://bacn.me/107
Posted by ISBacon on January 29, 2009 at 11:48 PM · Report
26
So, all of the pro-bacon posters are first time posters that show up and only post in this thread... What a coincidence. I wonder what on earth could possibly be happening?
Posted by A cat on January 29, 2009 at 11:56 PM · Report
27
Coleman, you jackass!!! I'm taking bacon infused bourbon to a chili cookoff next weekend, and if I hear ONE person mention shark jumping, it's your head on a stake! Did Ransdell put you up to this?

Oh, and I'll be done with bacon just as soon as our mayor is held accountable for looking his constituency in the eye and lying through the hole in his head... And even then, I'll be waiting for him to apologize to Ball before I give it up for good. Put that in your pole and smoke it, Savage...
Posted by Tommy on January 30, 2009 at 3:58 AM · Report
28
That's Mr. Fuckface to you.
Posted by capnkirk on January 30, 2009 at 7:19 AM · Report
29
Homer: You mean you're never going to eat meat again? What about pork chops?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Bacon?
Lisa: Dad, all those come from the same animal!
Homer: Sure Lisa, some magical animal!
Posted by tk. on January 30, 2009 at 7:25 AM · Report
30
"it's a bit ironic"

Please explain, because obviously one of us doesn't know what "ironic" means.
Posted by GLV on January 30, 2009 at 7:47 AM · Report
31
I oughtta smack you upside the head with a slab of bacon, Coleman. Screw you bacon haters. Bacon is the king of foods.
Posted by Suburban Porn King on January 30, 2009 at 8:55 AM · Report
32
@ GLV

To clarify... Bacon can be used ironically, and often is. You don't find "bacon sushi" ironic?
Posted by Patrick A. Coleman on January 30, 2009 at 9:34 AM · Report
33
I just pooped in a Martini. I call it a "Poop-tini"
Posted by Chunty McHutchence on January 30, 2009 at 9:53 AM · Report
34
GLV is making the argument that what is known as "hipster irony" has nothing to do with the actual concept of irony. Are you really so stupid that you need this explained to you, Patrick?
Posted by A cat on January 30, 2009 at 9:54 AM · Report
35
Yes! Wait, what was the question?
Posted by Patrick A. Coleman on January 30, 2009 at 10:23 AM · Report
36
Thanks, Patrick, for writing this post. I love bacon too, but am also sick to death of the kitschy worship that goes on with this food. I even was thinking of writing a post to that effect myself before I read yours. I mean, enough already. Besides, no bacon has the exquisite flavor of seared foie gras or Famous Ray's of Greenwich Village pizza.
Posted by Brian Libby on January 30, 2009 at 10:27 AM · Report
37
I think sausage should be the new "it" meat, if only for the easy sexual innuendo in discussing it.
Posted by Joneser on January 30, 2009 at 10:49 AM · Report
38
I read this post and thread yesterday and this morning in my inbox was an update from chowhound linking to a thread on Rutabagas:

http://chowhound.chow.com/topics/589822

In an effort to soothe some of the very ruffled feathers here in the forum I would suggest that everyone agree to compromise and we all make an effort to promote our favorite bacon and rutabaga combinations.

Bacon & Rutabaga Puree?
http://find.myrecipes.com/recipes/recipefi…

How about Okie style Savory Rutabaga Pudding?
http://www.muskogeephoenix.com/phoenixreci…

The possibilities are huge...
Posted by created4baconposting on January 30, 2009 at 11:20 AM · Report
39
I would call bacon sushi fucking stupid, not ironic.
Posted by GLV on January 30, 2009 at 12:45 PM · Report
40
My favourite kind of article. "everyone stop having fun that I don't want to have." If you are eager for some creativity try writing an article that isn't just a gripe about something you don't want to be involved with.
Posted by geekboysf on January 30, 2009 at 1:01 PM · Report
41
Iin these tough economic times, bacon is all we have.

And porn.

Don't tell me you want to take our porn too, Patrick?

WILL NO ONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN??
Posted by kiala on January 30, 2009 at 1:41 PM · Report
42
In case no one recognizes what my icon is, I will tell you. That is a picture of whale meat and blubber. Which I would contend would be the best candidate for sushi bacon.

And you think regular old pig bacon is a contentious subject...
Posted by created4baconposting on January 30, 2009 at 1:55 PM · Report
43
I must speak up in defense of bacon. Bacon is the most erotic of all pork products. The ranking is this:

Bacon (sizzling sensuality, the little pricks of grease on your arm)
Sausage links (obvious)
Pork Chops (lower than links, above ham)
Ham (religious overtones; eaten at Easter to prove Christians aren't Jews)
Hot Dogs (disgusting)

I say this as a vegan who has obviously spent a lot of time thinking about it. No matter how much bacon's erotic nature is co-opted by Taco Bell (remember the ads about women attracting men by putting TB bacon in their purses?) I stand by my conviction that bacon is fuckin' erotic.
Posted by nestchick on January 30, 2009 at 6:48 PM · Report
44
FUCK YOU ALL
Posted by Will Radik on January 30, 2009 at 7:03 PM · Report

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