While I’ve been busy not getting invited to red carpet geek-outs and being totally not bitter about it, the OLCC has been sneaking around trying to make my bar experience less pleasurable. Thank god Miss Jen Lane over at Barfly has her eyes on those… Um… Misguided bureaucrats. This is from the barfly e-mail newsletter (now with more news-berries!):

…the OLCC is proposing to prohibit bottle service, post-midnight happy hours, free pouring, and several other small pleasures that are 100% legal in a majority of other states.

The public hearing for these OLCC rule changes occurred last Tuesday, but for some reason the OLCC didn’t notify me… Hmm… Here are the specific rule changes that were being considered:

CAPTION: Amendments to clarify and strengthen prohibitions against certain drink
promotions such as drinking contests

Due to recent case history, staff is recommending the amendment of section (11) covering
promotions, to specifically tighten the rule language prohibiting drinking contests (a)(E) and free-pouring alcohol (a)(F). Also, staff is recommending additional rule language in section (11) Promotions which would prevent the current practice of a cover charge and then penny drinks (a)(D) and clarify that no drink discounts are allowed after midnight (a)(C), as well as prohibiting on-premises sales of distilled spirits by the bottle (a)(B) and alcohol vaporization devices (a)(G). Staff also recommends making further clarifying amendments. These additional amendments include: an introductory paragraph clarifying that licensees are held accountable for the acts of their agents and employees; the addition to each section of the sanction level for violation of that section; and clarifying amendments to section (6) Liquor on Premises, section (7) Drive-up window, and section (10) related to kegs and minor patronage.

Oh man, speaking of drinking contests, my pals and I play a wicked drinking game called Bar Hop-scotch. We only do it once every three years because that’s how long it takes to recover from the hang-over…

Anyway, these rule changes are some bullshit. Free pouring correctly is actually a skill. It took practice to get my count correct when I was a bartender, but eventually I had my shots dead on. Still, places that want to make precise, excellent cocktails will be useing jiggers to make drinks. Free-pouring and dive bars, however, go hand in hand. I think the OLCC just has something against dives. First the state takes the smoke out of my smoky dive bars, and now they want to stop free-pouring? Then tell me this, OLCC, what’s the goddamn point of becoming a regular at your local bar if the bartender can’t show you their love by pouring a stiff one?

Also, concerning drinking games, where are the frat boys going to play beer pong? They’ll drive it underground and turn it into a blood sport! That’s what’s going to happen. We’ll have an epidemic of beer-pong related casualties! Just think of it: the streets filled with frat boys crippled in underground blood sport beer-pong! The Horror! Heh heh heh heh heh… ha ha ha… Hawh! Har! Har! Har!

Oh. Excuse me. Ahem.

As for bottle service and late night drink specials, I cannot see what restricting these could possibly accomplish. People will drink late into the evening, and to excess, regardless of price. Booze is one of the few things that give people pleasure and relaxation in these hard times. To quote the amazing Magnetic Fields, “Sober, life is a prison/Shit-faced, it is a blessing.” A night at the bar, friends in tow, with an overpriced bottle of Grey Goose on the table, is like a kind of mini-vacation; a slightly sleazy vacation—like going to Amsterdam just for the legal prostitution and the hash—but relaxing none-the-less. Why do you want to steal a poor man’s sleazy vacation, OLCC? What’s next? Are you gonna ban cats in bars? Oh, you would…

More Rant, Alcohol Vaporization, and How to Protest These Rules with the OLCC After the Jump!!!

Let’s see, what else… ‘Ello guv’nah! What the hell is an “alcohol vaporization device?” Ohhh:

Pictured above (not the blond, next to the blond) is the Alcohol Without Liquid (AWOL) vaporizer. AWOL, huh? Okay, then. Tell me, poorly designed website, how is it used?

The AWOL Vaporizer has a built-in safety device because it takes about 20 minutes to inhale one vaporizer shot of alcohol (about 1/2 actual shot size).

It is designed to allow people to enjoy the effects of alcohol mixed with oxygen. It promotes a sense of well being and a mild euphoria. It is a fun new legal way to take alcohol.

I’m sold. I want one in my office ASAP! I can’t believe that the OLCC would have a problem with this. Normally, it takes me less than a second to take a shot. And if I’m taking more than one shot, I’m not getting ANY oxygen. This vaporizer provides oxygen while slowing down my consumption. Where’s the downside? Maybe this Slate Article will be more illuminating:

Normally, when you drink a glass of wine, say, or a shot of vodka, alcohol is absorbed over time, through the lining of your stomach and small intestine (roughly 10 percent to 15 percent in the stomach, 85 percent to 90 percent in the small intestine). The presence of food, especially starchy food, can slow this process further. When a shot of vodka or whiskey is poured into an AWOL machine and inhaled, however, alcohol enters the lungs and diffuses directly into the bloodstream, causing a much more rapid and potentially more intense buzz.

Nope. Still not getting the downside here.

Another serious risk is that the rapid rush of alcohol to the brain would make inhalation more addictive than regular drinking. Indeed, as Robert Swift, a professor of psychiatry and human behavior at Brown Medical School, told me, when researchers want to model alcohol addiction in rats—in order to study withdrawal and other phenomena—they often expose them to air mixed with vaporized alcohol. This method is useful because it's hard to get rats to drink liquid alcohol and also because the desired dependence is achieved extremely efficiently, sometimes in a matter of days: "It's a good way to addict animals," Swift said. And it would probably work for humans, too.

Okay, well… There’s that. But I’ll take my chances. What’s the worst that could happen? My functional drunkenness turns into full fledged alcoholism? Pshaw. That’s why rehab was invented. I don’t need a state agency to keep me out of rehab! Ya hear me?!

The point of all of this (and maybe I should have put it at the top of the post) is to say that you have the ability to let the OLCC know how you feel about all of this bullshit:

If you wish to give your views, arguments, or information on this matter, you may do so at the public hearing, or you can submit comments by February17, 2009. You can also email your comments to: jennifer.huntsman@state.or.us.

Tell them you’re concerned about (or support… I don’t know you, after all) ORS 845-006-0345, concerning Prohibited Conduct.

Here’s the OLCC’s contact info:

Oregon Liquor Control Commission
9079 SE McLoughlin Boulevard
Portland, OR 97222
Phone: (503) 872-5004 (toll free within Oregon 1-800-452-6522)
Fax: (503) 872-5110