Another Le Daily Bugle Exclusive Editorial from Monsieur J. Jonah Jameson
In an unsurprising development, French Spider-Man has been up to his old illegal tricks again—but this time he's taken his nefarious crimes to Hong Kong! As reported today in England's Telegraph, French Spider-Man—who has been terrorizing Paris and the Champs-Élysées for years—has taken his crime spree to Japan where he was photographed scaling the Cheung Kong Centre, a 928-foot building.
What was he doing there? Perhaps planning on robbing the owner of the building, and Japan's richest man, Li Ka-shing? Or maybe French Spider-Man's intent was to kidnap the billionaire's children and then, after collecting the ransom, sexually molest them for days before discarding their strangled lifeless bodies in a dumpster stinking of fishheads? Or perhaps he was planning on blowing up the building, gleefully murdering thousands with the help of his nefarious longtime cohort, French Dr. Octopus?
UNFORTUNATELY, WE'LL NEVER KNOW—BECAUSE THE HONG KONG POLICE CAPTURED AND THEN RELEASED FRENCH SPIDER-MAN!
Is this what the Japanese police have been reduced to? Ignoring blatant criminality because of blind misguided hero worship? FRENCH SPIDER-MAN IS NO HERO! He is a menace to Parisian and Hong Kong society, and HE MUST BE STOPPED. No one is above the law! I call upon Interpol to do their duty and arrest this evil masked web-slinger before more buildings are climbed and more children are raped and murdered.
La mort d'anarchistes!! La mort de l'homme-araignée français!!
Get the best of the Mercury each week in your inbox!