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Friday, March 6, 2009

Food "You Probably Thought It Was Spelled 'Keesh.'"

Posted by Erik Henriksen on Fri, Mar 6, 2009 at 4:23 PM

Usually when people are like, "Hey, Erik, aren't you sick of barely staying alive by eating nothing but peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and Ben & Jerry's Half Baked ice cream? Don't you think you should maybe go on the internet and learn how to cook or something?", the first thing I do is throw my half-eaten tub of Half Baked at them as hard as I possibly can. If I time it right and whip it hard enough, the ice cream is still hard from the freezer and it knocks them unconscious. "That'll teach people to concern themselves with my welfare!" I say. Then I finish eating dinner with whatever ice cream hasn't been contaminated by blood.

Where was I? Oh, right: I'm a shitty cook. And as great of a place as the internet is for foodies, it's not much use to people like me. Which is perhaps why I'm so delighted by Portland blogger Alex Neely's hilarious Cooking for Assholes, which is my new only favorite blog that has anything to do with food.

Via recipes like Brownies As Easy As Your Mom ("As the title says, these brownies are as easy to pound out as your mom and it takes about as long with that 'Amsterdam squeeze' she has going on"), Fagioli ("This is your dish! They named it after you!"), and Fucked Up Coffee Cake ("These are the perfect send off for your lady as she heads off to her two jobs while you play video games and make shitty food"), Neely manages not only to post some pretty delicious-sounding recipes, but also to write about them in a way that won't make you pull a cleaver across your wrists. Seriously, Neely makes this shit seem at once awesome to eat and—dare I say it?—actually possible to make, even for someone like me. Look at these quesadillas!

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I would eat the shit out of those quesadillas! And they seem easy enough to make, I think. I can do that, I bet! (Maybe.) And I can totally do the brownie sundae.

 

Comments (10) RSS

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1
Hey I know Alex! That's awesome. I believe he just had a lil' baby. He must feed it lots of tasty quesadillas.
Posted by Michelle on March 6, 2009 at 4:24 PM · Report
2
Seeing as it's Cat Friday, some posts about cats would be nice. Bonus points for pictures of cats. Thank you for your time.
Posted by A CAT, probably on March 6, 2009 at 4:45 PM · Report
3
I want a quesadilla so bad right now. SO BAD ERIK.

Weak. I feel very weak from no quesadillas.
Posted by kiala on March 6, 2009 at 4:47 PM · Report
4
That is a good blog.

Btw, did you ever learn how to make that egg sandwich? I fucking hope so. They're delicious.

Posted by Joneser on March 6, 2009 at 5:03 PM · Report
5
@ Joneser: Shit yes I did! My friend Erin was in town and she walked me through it as if I was three years old, which I guess is the only way I can learn anything. I think the secret is just using a fucking shit-ton of either olive oil or butter in the pan. I still haven't quite figured out the timing of it--I seem to consistently cook them too long--but I'm not melting spatulas and stuff into the yolks anymore, so at least there's that.
Posted by Erik Henriksen on March 6, 2009 at 5:10 PM · Report
6
Two months until this guy gets a book deal. GENIUS!
Posted by Matt Davis on March 6, 2009 at 5:58 PM · Report
7
awesome blog. Makes me laugh AND makes cooking simple.
Posted by Mizzzzzzz on March 6, 2009 at 8:32 PM · Report
8
Erik, why have you forsaken me? I could have taught you adequate, efficient recipes that provide calories and nutrients sufficient for a human being's requirements.

Alas, I could never teach you the recipe for a lover's warm embrace.
Posted by Cookbot 3000 on March 6, 2009 at 8:41 PM · Report
9
The whole blog is foul, poorly written, foul lanquage and foul "recipes".

Is that all you have to do to draw unheaded attention to yourself is use foul lanquage.

What is this country coming to?

I'll take "The Joy of Cooking" anyday over this trailor trash dumpster diving for ingredients chump.
Posted by Tony Bourdain on August 6, 2009 at 4:09 PM · Report
10
I follow both the joy of cooking and this blog agree that the joy of cooking is not as offensive to people.
Posted by Our wholesome homes on February 12, 2010 at 10:13 AM · Report

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