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Friday, March 6, 2009

Girls Only! So That's Why You're So Depressed?

Posted by Patrick Alan Coleman on Fri, Mar 6, 2009 at 11:37 AM

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As reported earlier this week on Good Morning News, it was revealed in a study by Men’s Health that Portland was one of the most depressed cities in the US. Today a “study” released by Combos® Brand Snacks, has named Portland one of least manly cities in the country. “The official cheese-filled snack of NASCAR” (as opposed to the official non-cheese-filled snack of NASCAR, which is pork rinds, obviously), conducted the study in association with Sperling’s Best Places.

I think most Portland residents, upon hearing the news, would look around them, shrug and say something like, “Meh. I guess that makes sense.” At least, that was my reaction. But one has to wonder… Is there any link between lack of manliness and depression?

Let’s look at what the cheese-filled snack people used as criteria for manliness:

number of professional major league sports teams, popularity of tools and hardware and frequency of monster truck rallies.

Also, cities lost manly points for:


the abundance of home furnishing stores, high minivan sales and subscription rates to beauty magazines

You got us there Combos® Brand Snacks. You nailed it. I guess we can’t grow our beards long enough to cover the shame of our femininity. We would shake our tiny lady fists at you if we weren’t so depressed. But really, we’re quite comfortable with our sensitivity. Now if you'll excuse us, we have an indie film to watch about an emotionally stunted man-child, right after we finish reading this confessional graphic novel about someone as depressed and emasculated as we are.

Alright. Alright. Snap out of it. I just happen to be wearing my cowboy boots today, which is a good thing considering that I’m surrounded by bullshit.

I think that the Crap-Filled-Crap® snack brand should update their definition of manly. Monster truck rallys? The 1980’s called and they want their mullets back… also, their ridiculous snacks. And they want them by Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

I do think the city could use a bit more manliness—I mean, Timber Jim can’t support us all—but how could that be accomplished? If there were any credence to this obviously tongue-in-cheek promotional study (if it were conducted by Nabisco, well that’d be different), what do you think would remedy the situation? Would a remedy be necessary? Should we ask A-Rod to come to town and stand in Pioneer Square to act as a kind of testosterone salt-lick? Should we have more bare-knuckled, JCVD-style street fights? Drive more pick-ups?

What do you think, Blogtownies? Does Portland need to grow a pair?

 

Comments (12) RSS

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1
Seeing as it's Cat Friday, some posts about cats would be nice. Bonus points for pictures of cats. Thank you for your time.
Posted by A CAT, probably on March 6, 2009 at 11:54 AM · Report
2
That's such bullshit... but I'm just too tired to care. I'm going to go do some crafting. Toodles!
Posted by Will Radik on March 6, 2009 at 11:57 AM · Report
3
I think we should just eat more Combos. I really like the pizza flavor ones.

And maybe! We need to point out our strip clubs! That's pretty fucking manly to me!
Posted by neutral bear on March 6, 2009 at 12:08 PM · Report
4
I don't know, keeping the fun between my legs helps with breathing and circulation, noting my bicycle. I gotta do something for myself considering I still smoke (to be a man and not because I get depressed). I would also note the obvious, Columbus corn chip caviar does not equal fun.
Posted by Lt. Billiam Esquire III on March 6, 2009 at 12:27 PM · Report
5
Among the survey criteria: Driving an American-made car makes you more manly. That's random. I hope they also included the murder rate. I mean murder is a fairly manly activity. Armed robbery too. That might boost the ratings of NYC and LA (currently the bottom two). In fact almost every city that's worth a damn is in the bottom 15 or so. Enjoy your Combos, Midwesterners!

But yes, Portland is wussy. No thanks to me. I've got so much goddamned testosterone, I cough pure death-metal!
Posted by Grapleberry Assface on March 6, 2009 at 12:31 PM · Report
6
A) manners
B) quit whining
C) get fathers
Posted by D on March 6, 2009 at 12:33 PM · Report
7
maniless = misogyny in the cheese filled snack formulation.

If we just did a little more slut shaming, closed Planned Parenthood, or just made women stop riding bicycles then we would get cheese snack love.
Posted by encephalopath on March 6, 2009 at 1:23 PM · Report
8
I, like most people, accept these results as fact, since I get most of my sociological knowledge from the good people at Combos. I don't know if Portland is really the most depressed city, though, I'm waiting for the report coming out later this month from Funyuns.
Posted by Donnie on March 6, 2009 at 1:43 PM · Report
9
Yeah. Encephalopath has cracked the equation.

Thus, dear Portlanders, our masculine imperative is clear: Start slapping bitches around or we'll never win the respect of an artificially flavored snack food.
Posted by Earnest "Nex" Cavalli on March 6, 2009 at 4:14 PM · Report
10
I'll keep my imperial beer and full sex shows, you can have your Bud Light and monster truck rallies. I don't need your approval if you think drinking dainty low-carb rice beverages and sitting on vibrating machines makes you manly.
Posted by The Immortal Goon on March 7, 2009 at 12:00 AM · Report
11
I know *I* get depressed when there isn't enough man in my life. Oh, and I don't bother with troublesome cooking--I just keep lots of Flamin' Hot Fries around.

Also, I'm a bike riding woman, Encephalopath (I want to say Encephalophagus for some reason) and I have no idea what you mean by making women stop riding bicycles? Please elaborate.
Posted by Aquatic Hitchhiker on March 11, 2009 at 8:46 PM · Report
12
a combos ranking is obviously retarded and worth no attention, however there is the greatest concentration of pussy emo wuss hipsters in portland than i have seen in any city ive been to in this country. jerkin it to death-cab and caring so much about their ironic image. pussies the lot. i dont need a combos ranking to see that.
Posted by aallahambraaaa on June 23, 2010 at 11:22 AM · Report

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