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As reported earlier this week on Good Morning News, it was revealed in a study by Men’s Health that Portland was one of the most depressed cities in the US. Today a “study” released by Combos® Brand Snacks, has named Portland one of least manly cities in the country. “The official cheese-filled snack of NASCAR” (as opposed to the official non-cheese-filled snack of NASCAR, which is pork rinds, obviously), conducted the study in association with Sperling’s Best Places.

I think most Portland residents, upon hearing the news, would look around them, shrug and say something like, “Meh. I guess that makes sense.” At least, that was my reaction. But one has to wonder… Is there any link between lack of manliness and depression?

Let’s look at what the cheese-filled snack people used as criteria for manliness:

number of professional major league sports teams, popularity of tools and hardware and frequency of monster truck rallies.

Also, cities lost manly points for:


the abundance of home furnishing stores, high minivan sales and subscription rates to beauty magazines

You got us there Combos® Brand Snacks. You nailed it. I guess we can’t grow our beards long enough to cover the shame of our femininity. We would shake our tiny lady fists at you if we weren’t so depressed. But really, we’re quite comfortable with our sensitivity. Now if you'll excuse us, we have an indie film to watch about an emotionally stunted man-child, right after we finish reading this confessional graphic novel about someone as depressed and emasculated as we are.

Alright. Alright. Snap out of it. I just happen to be wearing my cowboy boots today, which is a good thing considering that I’m surrounded by bullshit.

I think that the Crap-Filled-Crap® snack brand should update their definition of manly. Monster truck rallys? The 1980’s called and they want their mullets back… also, their ridiculous snacks. And they want them by Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

I do think the city could use a bit more manliness—I mean, Timber Jim can’t support us all—but how could that be accomplished? If there were any credence to this obviously tongue-in-cheek promotional study (if it were conducted by Nabisco, well that’d be different), what do you think would remedy the situation? Would a remedy be necessary? Should we ask A-Rod to come to town and stand in Pioneer Square to act as a kind of testosterone salt-lick? Should we have more bare-knuckled, JCVD-style street fights? Drive more pick-ups?

What do you think, Blogtownies? Does Portland need to grow a pair?