Live from the Rose Garden as the Portland Trail Blazers take on the Phoenix Suns. Phoenix has won six straight, they're the last team climbing back into the playoff race, and the city itself is a large sprawl of failed American dreams trapped in a merciless valley that bakes beneath the unforgiving sun. But hey, they got Shaq. Dude loves to Twitter, especially about Portland:

Its freezn n portland, schwlbbbbb schlwbbbb dats da lip shiver sound

Anybody in portland touches me rt now will get two tickets I'm at redstar cafe

100 people n the prtland area just came for tickets wow portland twitterers r niiiiiice

Alright, time for some niiiiiice basketball.

PRE-GAME:
Portland really needs this game. More so than even Phoenix does. The Suns have little to lose as the 9th seed, but a win by the Blazers could more or less guarantee—barring a horrific late season crash—that Portland gets in the post-season. The Suns had knocked off Portland 11 straight times before their last game, when a patchy bearded man by the name of Brandon Roy dropped 52 points on them. Tonight, I won't settle for anything less than 53.

The wifi is a little spotty here at the Rose Garden, so if I suddenly stop blogging it's not because tonight is my fantasy baseball draft (You're going down, Malkmus!). It's the connection, I swear.

FIRST QUARTER:
9:41 - Roy with his first bucket of the night. 51 more points to go. Don't fail me, Roy. 5-4 Suns.

7:00 - When Nicolas Batum has a big night, good things happen to the Blazers. Well, so far, so good. The crowd is electric (so this is what the playoffs sound like), and Batum just stole the ball and went coast-to-coast for the layup. 12-5 Portland.

5:52 - Batum has his dunk blocked by father time—Grant Hill, actually—but Roy recovers the loose ball and knocks back a three pointer from the far corner. 15-9 PDX.

4:32 - Batum (again) with an alley-oop to Aldridge. The lead is eight, but the game feels nowhere near as close, as Portland is dominating. 19-11 Blazers.

3:42 - But since this is the Suns we are talking about, they just reeled off 5 points in a few seconds. Portland timeout. 19-16 Blzrs.

1:56 - Roy is robbed off layup (while getting fouled) and much like the other night's "Javie Sucks" chant, the crowd here is more focused on the officials than the opposing team. Oh, and the opposing team just tied it. 23-up.

0:12 - Rudy follows his three with a nice pose—three fingers up, sort of like the "Westside" gangsta hand signal, but with a, um, wussy Spanish twist—while strutting down the hardwood. 29-27 Blzrs.

SECOND QUARTER:
10:07 - Following a rough first quarter—there was fouling, there was traveling, there was sadness—Greg Oden with a nice dunk over the other Lopez twin. Brooke got wet (or fed after midnight, I forget which thing did what) and made another Lopez. His name is Robin. We shall never speak of him again. 35-31 Blazers.

8:24 - Alando Tucker just made the worst decision of his young life. He had the ball and a wide open three, but he drove towards Oden and was rejected in a horrible horrible way. The block lead to a breakaway dunk by Outlaw, and the complete loss of Tucker's masculinity. 40-33 Blzrs.

5:28 - Shaq and Joel Przybilla have some words. Again. Look for some angry Tweets from Shaq after the game. Or during the half. Maybe even during the timeout. The Suns don't care if he has the Blackberry out during the game, do they? 46-43 Portland.

2:36 - Rudy for three, followed by a long distance three from Blake. On the other end, the Vanilla Gorilla draws a charge from Shaq, who then tosses the ball at Przybilla's face. Someone is going to need sensitivity training. 56-49 PDX.

2:17 - Shaq and Przybilla get double technical fouls, then Przy gets another foul. I think he has 140 characters he'd like to share with Shaq. 56-49 PDX.

0:02 - Blake with the layup and Portland has padded the lead to eight. They are playing at Phoenix's pace, but don't seem to be too far out of their element. 65-57 Portland.

THIRD QUARTER:
9:28 - Blake with a sweet finger roll? My eyes deceive me. But the ten point lead I'm seeing on the big screen, that's for real. 71-61 Blzrs.

6:14 - Batum with a jumper. Batum with a steal. Batum with an assist. Dude does it all. 79-70 Blzrs.

2:37 - Portland just did a lot of damage. A pair of quick scores, followed by a near putback dunk from Aldridge. He didn't finished, but was fouled. Biggest lead of the game, 87-74 Blzrs.

2:13 - If only every Oden play was defended by Louis Amundson and his delicate ponytail. Two points for Portland. 91-74 Blazers.

0:00 - Woah. First off, Sergio Rodriguez somehow passes through a wall of Suns players to Rudy for a quick two. Then Fernandez steals the ball and hits a three as the clock expires. Five points in about three seconds. Oh, and it's 100 points, so now chalupas shall fall from the heavens or something. 100-79 Portland.

FOURTH QUARTER:
10:10 - Phoenix has pulled their starters. Not sure if it's for the game or not, but this could be the white flag (in the form of a bunch of scrubs in purple uniforms). 103-85 Portland.

8:49 - Roy with a sweet reverse layup. The Blazers' starters are most definitely not on the bench right now. 106-87 PDX.

7:21 - Um, I don't know what you call that play? A double alley-oop? An alley-oops from Rudy to Outlaw, who passes it to a midair Roy. Good lord. 112-89 Portland.

5:01 - Aldridge with a finesse layup alley-oop, and now is a damn good time to pull the starters. I don't want to see this team's playoff hopes die when someone gets clobbered by Robin Lopez. 121-95 Blazers.

3:25 - Bench players! Finally!! Nice to see you Jerryd Bayless. Now can everyone here stop doing the wave? Watch the fucking game. 124-97 Portland.

1:00 - Ouch. Bayless with a ridiculous break away dunk to rub some salt in the Suns' fresh wound. 129-107 Blazers.

And that will do it. The Blazers come up big and roll over the Suns, your final score: Portland 129, Phoenix 109. See you Saturday night.